Jeez Jon

If THE SOUND OF MUSIC Got A Round Of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved musicals of all-time.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please climb every mountain you can to avoid one of the highest grossing films ever. 

THE SOUND OF MUSIC FINE CUT 4 NETWORK NOTES

Hello hello hello. Thanks for addressing our previous set of notes.  As per our conference call, we still have a long way to go before we have the show ready for air.  The biggest problem we have right now is focus.  What works for us at our network are sweet relatable shows about families with a lot of children.  But we've never had one where all the kids can sing together! What a hook! We need to focus on that and dump all of the nun stuff. (All of the stuff at the beginning with Maria at the convent really feel like a different show. Maybe cut and repurpose it for something else? The Real House Nuns of Salzburg does have a great ring to it. Or maybe SuperNunny? Let's discuss) Here we have seven adorable, camera-friendly children who can sing harmony without scaring off advertisers.  It's like 19 Kids and Counting without the David Koresh cult vibe.  There's gold to be had here; all we have to do is mine for it!

Also the storytelling is just not strong enough.  Whoever edited this should consider a career in hotel/motel management. Story is key! We are severely lacking in bites and b-roll transitions; a chyron pass is absolutely needed. (Can you tell the difference between Gretl and Marta on sight? Yeah, me neither.) You guys are making a lot of assumptions about what our audience knows. We need to make sure that this is as streamlined and easy-to-consume as possible. The less taxing the show is for the audience, the higher our ratings!  Once these are addressed, we can send time coded notes.  Won't happen until then. 

PS. Are we married to this title? It's too generic.  Let's go with "Von Trapped." It's fun and based on the focus group we did in suburban Annapolis, it'll go over very well.

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE

While we all appreciate all of the drone footage of the Austrian mountainside, we have a whole scene with Maria and no one else. What does this have to do with 7 brothers and singers who can harmonize? Every scene has to have TENSION AND STAKES AT ALL TIMES. What are the stakes of a woman with poor fashion sense twirling around in the grass? Guys, if we aren't aiming high in every scene, then the audience will lose interest and go back to YouTube. We need a stronger start; keep the b-roll, cut to Maria's arrival at the Von Trapp household with an intro bite like "My name is Maria. I'm a nun here in Salzburg, Austria and I've come to be the new governess for Captain Von Trapp and his children. I'm nervous that I won't do a good job. Hopefully I won't be fired." (Please get this verbatim)

THE CONVENT

For proper context, we really need a strong bite that sets up World War II.  You can't assume that the audience will know what that is.  

As previously mentioned, this whole section can be removed.  We have 6 nuns we've never met (without a lower third on any of them) talking about a woman who all we saw doing was just spinning on a mountain.  "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" Make it a snap-in. 

MARIA ARRIVES AT THE VON TRAPP HOUSEHOLD

When the Captain catches Maria dancing in the closed-down ballroom, she seems startled and then walks out. I say "seems startled" because there isn't a bite there telling me how she feels! Guys, this is just so sloppy.  Come on. Let's get a bite in there about how she felt about being caught, a bite from her beforehand to explain why she would go into the closed ballroom to begin with, an intro bite from the Captain so we know who he is, and a bite from Maria saying how intimidating the Captain is.  And make sure this all flows and doesn't seem too bite-heavy. 

The Captain says that Maria is the 12th governess they've had.  Do we have footage of the other governesses? A montage of the former governesses trying to deal with the children could be fun and unusual way for us to meet the kids and set up the stakes. Let's think outside of the box, people!

When the Captain makes the children introduce themselves, this is a fantastic opportunity for a big juicy intro package. As each child steps forward, throw in some bio bites for each one so the audience can easily differentiate one from the other.  The faster the audience can do this, the faster we can start having great hashtags all over social media.  There are a lot of shows with litters of kids; we need to do what we can to stand out! Let's set their characters like this:

LIESL - The Flirt

FRIEDRICH - The Know-It-All

LOUISA - The Sarcastic One

KURT - The Goody Two-Shoes

BRIGITTA - The Bookworm

MARTA - The Cute One

GRETL - The Sweet One

Make sure that all bites and sound-ups from the kids reflect these singular character traits AT ALL TIMES. If we show some different personality quirks, the audience will easily be confused. We only have 42 minutes to convey each story; let's make every second count!

When Maria says that she's never been a governess before, let's get a couple of bites in from the kids saying how they can't wait to try to test their new governess.  That way we know that they are fun and mischievous (in a relatable, family-friendly way, of course). As Maria produces the frog from her pocket, add in a cymbal scrape then a wood block.  That way the audience will know that this is funny! 

THE GAZEBO

We have a nice scene between Liesl and Rolf with the dancing and the kissing, but since I don't have any context for it, I'm just so confused! It's really obvious, guys. Let's get a fun flirty bite from Liesl about how much she likes Rolf, how long they've known each other and why she likes him so. Oh, and let's make sure we do a proper background check on everyone Liesl may date.  Otherwise it's Josh Dugger all over again.

THE RAINSTORM

As Maria is singing about her favorite things, let's do a montage of images to go along with what she says.  We can't assume that the audience knows what she's talking about. Just because we know what brown paper packages tied up with strings are, the audience may not.  The more we spell things out, the stronger our storytelling is!

THE VON TRAPPS GO AROUND SALZBURG 

As the kids are learning how to sing, let's get bites from all of them as the scene progresses.  Are some of them nervous before they start singing? Are they worried about what their father will think? We need some stakes and conflict there. Do Re Mi doesn't really denote tension.  Let's maximize our footage the best way possible!

THE CAPTAIN RETURNS WITH MAX AND THE BARONESS

Again, again, again: BITES BITES BITES! We need bites to establish both Max and the Baroness.  Does she look forward to marrying the Captain?  Is the Captain looking forward to spending more time with Baroness? Why does Max need to find another music group to manage? These are obvious questions and you guys totally dropped the ball here. Get these bites in here pronto and this dull driving scene will sing!

Speaking of singing, the first time we hear the kids sing is when they are way, WAY off camera as the Captain is arguing with Maria.  How is this good producing? Again, this is the problem we're having. Currently, the focus is on Maria; it needs to be on the children! Let's start with the kids singing for the Baroness ON CAMERA.  And that's where the focus needs to be! Get some bites from the Baroness about the singing kids, from the Captain about why he's so touched by the kids singing and how he's sorry for his behavior towards Maria. Our rule of thumb is: when it doubt, Bite it out!

THE LONELY GOAT HERD

Is there another take without the creepy puppets? If not, we may need to issue a trigger warning. 

MARIA RETURNS TO THE ABBEY

Wait, why is Maria going to the convent? Oh right, she used to live there. I completely forgot! Let's throw in a flashback of her living there so we can set this up right. We don't want the audience to be confused!

Per legal, make sure the Mother Superior says "What is you [BLEEP] face?"

THE WEDDING

Maria's and the Captain's wedding is beautiful and lush, but I can't help but think about those fun kids.  Are there any unused scenes where the kids make mischief all over the house? Any funny turns of phrase from Gretl or Marta?  Any scenes with the boys goofing around?  Let's comb through our footage and construct some extra scenes where the kids are front and center.  Our audience wants to see a large gaggle of children wreaking adorable chaos. Let's give them what they want!

THE SINGING CONTEST

Are there any other takes of the concert without the Third Reich? Despite what our former market research told us, recent polling shows that our audience is actually turned off by Nazi groups. (We were surprised too).  Let's recut the contest, show the Von Trapp's winning and then end on a big bite from the kids about their nascent musical careers.  Cut out the escape into Switzerland and the family fighting for their lives; it's just too depressing and it's completely off-brand for our network.  That may work on A&E, but not here!

Please finish these notes and send the cut with notes responses by 4:30pm EST today.  Thanks a bunch!

If MY FAIR LADY Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for a 52-year-old classic musical.  If you don't wish to be spoiled, please go watch the film. Or see the stage musical.  Or read the original Shaw play. Or just get out of the house for a damn minute.  

MY FAIR LADY - NETWORK ROUGH CUT 3 NOTES

A good hello to you and your team.  Thanks for attacking our notes with such vigor.  While we are definitely getting closer to where we need to be, we are nowhere near where we should be.   But the cut as it stands is way too long and we seem to be losing focus. Remember, this is a makeover show. If we’re going to show Eliza in a gown at the ball at the end, let’s do a side-by-side of how she looked as a flower girl. If we can’t shame her by how she looked before, then we aren’t doing our jobs! Also, the entire section with her father should be removed.  (We have plans for that for a possible sizzle reel - see below)  

Eliza is great casting! She's likable and feisty in a relatable sort of way and we do want to root for her as she does through the process.  If people are watching Mama June go from Not To Hot, they'll watch Eliza go from Crass To Class.

One thing to keep in mind that Eliza wants and asks for this makeover; her complaints about the consequences for this experiment casts the show in a dark light.  In order to do allay this, let's do some big restructuring in the latter third.  Also, we desperately need a bite pass.  Where are the bites we requested? Once we emphasize the makeover aspect for the show, we then will feel comfortable giving time-coded notes.  Right now, we don't. 

COVENT GARDEN

Higgins has a great introduction guessing everyone's hometown based on their dialect. And the fact that he does it to song is quite impressive. But since this is lacking a juicy intro package, the audience will have no idea who he is and why he's there.  Get Higgins to say something like "Hello, my name is Professor Henry Higgins.  I'm the top phoneticist is all of England.  I can tell you exactly where you come from just based on you saying two sentences."  Get this exactly and put this over b-roll of him working with students.  If he's our expert, we need to have him say it and show it. Otherwise, our viewers will be lost!    

Since Eliza is the subject of our transformation, we also need to set her up as well. She also needs an intro package that clearly states why she wants to do this. Has she always wanted to work in a flower shop? Has she always dreamt of going to a fancy embassy ball? We have to always plainly state what our main characters want at all times -- that's storytelling!

Every time Eliza speaks, she really needs to be subtitled.  I know our audience really don't like to read but with this show, I'll take the risk. 

"Wouldn't It Be Loverly" is nice but it doesn't really move the action forward. Please make it a snap-in.

ELIZA'S OFFER

Eliza comes over to Higgins' house and makes him an offer for him to teach her proper elocution.  While she says this in scene, we definitely need for her to say it in bite as well. (We already gave this note once!) Our research shows that the bulk of our demographic watch this show as a second screen. They need to be able to follow what's happening while they are on Snapchat. If we don't, they'll  be confused and change the channel. And we can't have THAT.   

While we've already met Colonel Pickering at Covent Garden, let's go ahead and give him a big intro package here too. Have him say something like "I'm Colonel Pickering. I'm a master of Indian languages and dialects.  I recently left the military and I love to help people in need."  If he doesn't say it, how do I know he believes this? By merely watching his behavior in scene? That's just not enough!

Higgins agrees to take on Eliza as a client and says some bold things to her (having her sleep in the dustbin is one of my favorites). Does he say anything even more outrageous?  If we are going to drive Twitter traffic and ratings, we really need to exploit this. Think less Stacy on "What Not To Wear" and more Gordon Ramsey on "Kitchen Nightmares." (Maybe call the show "Dreadful Diction'? Let's discuss!) Add in some more highly egregious phrases.  Our female audience will eat up the insults and those will definitely add some power to the Supertease. 

"Let A Woman In Your Life" should be cut. If Higgins is gay, that's fine. We don't need a whole number about it. 

DOOLITTLE

Eliza's father has great presence on camera. His take on morality is very interesting and relevant to our current political situation.  Which is to say: this is a total snoozeville and not appropriate for our show. However, this lecture tour of America where he talks about income inequality sounds like a great idea for one of our sister networks that wins Emmys. It's like a TED talk that's actually interesting! Put together a sizzle reel with that footage and I'll see what I can do on my end. "Doolittle Says A Lot" has a great ring to it, don't you think?

"POOR PROFESSOR HIGGINS" & "THE RAIN IN SPAIN"

While overly long, this extended montage showing Eliza training is very clever in its use to music and editing to show a passage of time.  Kudos to your team for this; please cut it by 2/3's and add bites from all involved.  

"I Could Have Danced All Night" is lovely but Eliza's happiness with her progress would be better suited in some bites during the montage.  Let's make this number a web extra. 

ASCOT GAVOTTE

The legendary race track looks glorious, as do most of the people there. This really need some context. Perhaps a great info graphic on the history of the track would be some great take-home information for the audience.  That'll make them feel smart!

Please make sure that all of the horses on the race track have signed a release.  

When Eliza blurts out "Move your bloomin' ass!", this is lacking the impact that it desperately needs. Let's re-cut the build up to this.  Add in some more audio design and a few bites to help raise the stakes.  If this moment is not important to us, it won't be important to the audience! Stakes and bites, bites and stakes! That should be our mantra, people!

"On The Street Where You Live" is nice but a bit stalker-y. Make it a snap in. 

EMBASSY BALL

While it's obvious that Eliza, Henry and Pickering are nervous, again, some bites here would work wonders.  Have Eliza say something like "I really feel out of my element here and I know I could do a great job. I hope I don't mess up! That would be gravely embarrassing for myself, Henry and Colonel Pickering!" (Please get this verbatim) 

Let's play with the audio design during this scene.  Every time someone compliments Eliza, add a cymbal scrape.  Every time Zoltan the villainous language teacher gets stopped from talking to Eliza, add a cymbal bow.  We need to underline every moment possible.  Remember, subtlety is for scripted TV, not reality!

AFTER THE BALL

This whole romance between Eliza and Freddie is afterthought.  Let's just go from Eliza's success at the ball to a pick up scene where Eliza is set up in her own flower shop.  The whole section where she leaves and comes back to Higgins and the romance with Freddie... that's a whole other show.  Based on the ratings and how the audience responds to Eliza, we can maybe do another show tracking her romantic life.  As of right now, this just muddies the water and distracts us from what we bought in the first place: A makeover show taking a working class girl (and have fun at how rough she is) and making her a classy woman (without alienating our target audience). Got it?

Please turn these notes around by 5pm today with responses.  Thanks a bunch! 

If WONDER WOMAN Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains many spoilers for WONDER WOMAN. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please come back after you've seen the film, completed your training and learned that dancing is not swaying.  

WONDER WOMAN ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES.

Hello hello! First of all, big thanks to you for addressing our notes from the previous cut.  There are a lot of great things going on but we are a long, long, LONG way off from where we need to be.  When we were first received the sizzle reel, we were under the impression that our story was going to be about an entire island made up of attractive women who fought all the time.  I guess we should have been more specific.  As it stands right now, this cut is just not acceptable to us.  Our audience prefers women who throw wine at at each other, not spears.  We have a lot of potential here and we are doing absolutely nothing with it! We need to be bold and pro-active with our storytelling here and revamp this show. A bite pass is absolutely needed. Diana is exploring the world and how are we supposed to know how she feels about everything? By just watching her and listening to her in-scene dialogue? UNACCEPTABLE.  Once this is done -- and a much needed music pass -- then we can send time-coded notes.   

THE LOUVRE

We first see Diana at her office in the Louvre. I mean, I know it's the Louvre, but you know who probably won't know that? Our AUDIENCE! Don't assume that they are as smart as we are. Let's throw in a lower third here saying "Louvre Museum -- Paris." When the camera finds Diana opening the package, this is a great opportunity for a bite.  Let's have her say something like "My name is Diana Prince. I work in the Greek Antiquity section of the Louvre Museum in Paris. It's the most important museum in all of France and I love my job preserving and researching Greek relics." (Please have her say this verbatim.) Giving the audience information at all times is storytelling at its finest!

Please blur the Wayne Enterprises logo.  There's no way we can clear that. 

THEMSYCRIA

What an amazing, gorgeous place! Diana's VO is a great way to explain about the island but we really could use even more information! How about a great fun GFX of where this island is in the Mediterranean? A list of its imports/exports? When the tourist season is and where to get a great bargain for B&B's? The audience is thirsty for take-away information so let's quench their thirst!

Diana's mother and her aunt seem like amazing, interesting women and yet, we hear so little about them! Let's do a big juicy intro package for each. When Her Majesty rolls in, have her say something like "I'm Queen Hippolyta and I am the ruler of the Amazons. We have lived in peace for years in isolation from the rest of the world. I try to protect my only daughter Diana from what her future my bring but I always try to keep her safe! (Have her say that in her own words, but as close to this as possible) Have her spell out everything right at the beginning will make sure our audience can follow along even if they are playing around on Snapchat! 

We have an entire island full of attractive women and they all seem to get along? I find that HIGHLY unlikely. Our core demographic want to see good-looking women in expensive clothes have long dinners and talk about how they shouldn't invite acquaintances to parties.  Here you have strong women in combat training, riding on horseback. You're giving us 300 when we ordered was The Real Housewives of Themsycira! (Keeping Up With The Amazons is also a good title. Let's keep that in mind.) Please scour your footage and let's rethink this section. Women fighting over an insult at a fundraiser is a big turn-ON for our audience; women fighting the patriarchy is a turn-OFF.

Also, all the women seem to be wearing the different versions of a fighting tunic and some sandals. That's not realistic.  Let's do some reshoots with some more believable wardrobe.  They speak about 100 languages and not one of them has a wrap dress? I think not. Also, while we appreciate the diversity of the women depicted on the training field, please cut around the heavy-set woman trainer. We feel she isn't quite "camera-ready." 

On a side note, Themsycira is absolutely lovely.  Are there any tiny homes there that non-threatening American tourists would be interested in buying on camera? If so, we smell a spin-off.  Let's discuss!

THE ARRIVAL OF STEVE TREVOR

We finally get a man on the island.  This should be HUGE news. And yet, when Diana watches his plane crash into the water, we don't have a single bite from her. Wrong wrong WRONG. Get a bite from her explaining how seeing this plane crash scares here but she has to do something to help because she's an Amazon (or something like that.) If she doesn't have a bite explaining how she's feeling about this, I have no idea how she feels which means I won't care! I need to care, guys. I NEED TO CARE.

Steve has big news about World War I that he gives to the Queen and her court. But he doesn't really EXPLAIN it a lot. Don't assume our audience knows which war this is. Let's put in a bit from Steve explaining World War I quickly and cleanly.  Remember, the more we explain, the better our storytelling is! 

Steve and Diana have a great flirting scene when Steve is getting out of the healing pool.  Can we add more flirty sound-ups between the two?  Try adding some cymbal scrapes; those are great to punctuate any romantic scene! (Per legal, please double check to make sure we don't have to blur any of Steve's body. I don't want a Dating Naked incident here.) Also, great Timex product integration. Is there a take where Steve says their brand by name? Please double check your footage and let you know. If not, we'll pick up a wild line. 

DIANA ARRIVES IN LONDON

The introduction of Etta Candy is an utter delight. She's funny and heavy-set in a non-threatening, comedic television sort of way.  (Maybe we can do a makeover with her in another episode? Let's ideate on this!) But her interactions with Diana don't really work.  Yet another female relationship that's very positive? Where they support each other and look out for each other? No catty bites about each other's clothes? No bon mots about their choice of men? Again, I'm not buying it.  

I do enjoy the section where Diana tries on various outfits, but the music in here really doesn't work. Orchestrations for a clothes montage? NO. Let's go with a Katy Perry soundalike.  It's a fun and vibrant section; let's not sell ourselves short, people!

Can we get a Ben & Jerry's insert for the ice cream moment? If not, let's cut it. 

THE GERMAN SIDE OF THE WAR

Colonel Ludendorf and Doctor Poison come across as good villains but their scenes are hard to follow due their accents and use of big words.  Trim these down. (Maybe a good snap-in? Let's discuss!) Also, no one ever really explains why Doctor Poison has that partial mask on her face. Sure, we see the scarring later and it feels rather enigmatic.  The problems is we don't DO enigmatic in reality TV.  Find some audio of the doctor explaining the mask. Remember Rule #24 in our Style Guide: "If we can explain something in a bite, then we don't include it. "

WONDER WOMAN LIBERATING THE TOWN OF VELD

The action sequence here works pretty well. It's rather heroic to see Diana helped by Steve and his crew. When Diana is getting pinned down by the bullet fire in No Man's Land, it is screaming for a bite from her. Why doesn't she have a bite there? C'mon, guys, you are better than this! Add a bite from her talking about how she feels about being shot at repeatedly.  If the scene can be followed by someone who is in another room washing dishes and feeding their cat, then we've done our jobs! 

Please make sure that every soldier Diana defeated or killed has signed a release. 

WONDER WOMAN'S BIG CONFRONTATION WITH ARES

This scene has sections where Ares is saying the same thing to Diana in slightly different ways over and over. It feels very repetitive and seems to retread the same small section of information for a long period of time.  We think it's perfect; don't change a thing.  

Please address these notes (with responses) by 5pm tonight.  Thanks!

If ARRIVAL Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains a lot - and I mean, a lot - of spoilers of one of the highest-grossing Best Picture nominees of 2016.  If you do not want to be spoiled, go see the movie first then come back.  But, I may have told you this already...

ARRIVAL Rough Cut 2 Network Notes

Hello to you and your team! Thanks for turning around our ream of notes so quickly. Here's another one. (LOL!) We do think some progress has been made but as of this moment, this show is not ready at all.  We definitely need another rough cut before we can continue.  There are some major changes that need to be made. Until all of these issues are addressed to our liking, are done, no time-coded notes will be given.   We absolutely need a bite pass. And a comedy pass too! Some goofy or bitchy humor can go a long way. 

First of all, the structure! What are you guys thinking? It's all over the place.  Whoever edited this should get out of the business.  (Seriously, we want a new editor on this. Maybe a new story producer as well, to give us fresh eyes? Give me a call in the next 20 minutes. I have to go to set to another show; one of our stars has locked herself in a bathroom and refuses to a reunion show. No rest for the wicked! [You didn't hear any of this from me.]) We need to think more linearly. Just because we're all sophisticated storytellers doesn't mean that our audience is! Let's keep this in mind. Maybe we add some reset bites every 9 minutes? Some flashbacks? Let's open up our bag of tricks and shake it until it's empty, people!

Secondly, we need to refocus the story. The outline I approved focused on a fun, sexy college professor who helps to give some aliens a makeover so they can really strut themselves on Earth.  Instead, we have a story where this dowdy brainy doctor tries to talk to some aliens we can barely see for 116 minutes and we spend the bulk of our time playing with giant damn flash cards! This is not witty! This is not urbane! This is not the show we ordered.  You guys need to dig through the material and come up with something that feels more on brand for us.  Do the aliens have a hoarding problem? Let's discuss.

Finally, our lead.  Per our research, our core demographic prefer women who talk about being good at their job without us actually having to see them being good at their job.  Sure, Dr. Louise is a brilliant linguist who is suffering from the loss of her child.  But does she have any scene work where she's kicking back with her friends at work, complaining about her boss? Are there any takes where she's a fun expensive peasant top with oversized sunglasses?  Does she have a favorite label of Pinot Grigio that she likes to throw? Please comb through your footage. Let's make Louise as relatable as possible.  Sometimes we need to protect our cast from themselves.

OPENING

Oh good, VO! Oh no, Louise's child dies? Wait, it's her child, right? Ugh, I'm so confused! We're starting with a death?! (Again, structure, guys!) Let's kick off with a bite like "I'm Dr. Louise Banks. I'm a college professor who specializes in linguistics and my child recently died of cancer."  (Please get this in their own words but as close to my words as possible but have it be playful.) 

Once the alien ships arrive, let's make sure we use a lower third that says "Alien Spacecraft" every time we see it.  Just in case someone comes onto the show halfway through, I want to make sure they aren't lost.  

Let's build up some intro packages for the Colonel and Ian.  We get good info on them both in scene but let's really milk this for as much as possible. We should make a meal of these scenes and right now, you're just serving appetizers!

GOING INTO THE SHELL

Our first trip into the UFO should be a huge, exhilarating experience.  Right now, it's slow and creepy. Wrong-wrong-wrong! It's a spaceship; therefore it's really expensive! This needs to be more flashy and aspirational. Let's play around with the editing here. Think of "Cribs" in Space. Or "Intergalactic House Hunters."

We have scene after scene of the aliens communicating and we have no idea what they're saying or what they want.  This is shabby storytelling.  How can we tell the best story possible if we can't tell what's happening at all times? Let's get some into bites from the aliens in here, pronto! And some subtitles wouldn't hurt either.  "Honey Boo Boo" had subtitles; these aliens aren't as bizarre. 

Per S&P, please make sure that there are no swear words in any of the communications from the aliens. 

BACK AT THE BASE

Louise is having some memories of her daughter? All of a sudden? And she's getting overwhelmed by them? The editing here is very weird.  I have no idea what's going on. Let's recut this scene and add a few bites to explain.  Enigmatic may go over well in scripted but this is reality, guys! Real people explain every little thing they do! Also, we can't have a flashback for something the audience hasn't seen yet. Talk about confusing... 

Who's the soldier talking to his wife on the phone? We met him before? I completely forgot.  Let's add a flashback to when we first met him.  Don't be afraid of chyrons, either.  Let's make lower thirds are friends, not our enemies!

Whoa, is that a bomb? Why are the soldiers bringing on a bomb? Sure, there was the conversation that the soldier had where his wife was freaked out on the phone and everyone is wigged out about aliens giving the phrase "Use Weapon", but as always, clarity is key.  Let's recut this scene so even if someone is washing dishes in the other room they can follow it completely. This, guys, is true storytelling!

AFTER THE EXPLOSION

Yikes, another flashback to Louise's child.  Let's set up this flashback with a flashback of the previous flashback to the audience knows it's a flashback and they can be ready for possibly more flashbacks. 

Also, we really need a big music pass.  All of the orchestral cues get monotonous after a while.  Let's throw in some hip hop cues.  Maybe a Big Sean soundalike?  Let's discuss.

LOUISE GOES INTO THE SHELL SOLO

Why is she going by herself? Why are we cutting in another flashback to "no zero-sum game" to her daughter after someone says it in the present? Again, the editing is just baffling.  If you are having problems, I'll come to the bay tomorrow myself with one of our promo editors to help out.  We love stories!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Her kid isn't even born yet?! And Louise is looking at the future? And she's been doing this this whole time? So we've been having flash forwards? No.  NO NO NO NO NO. This is bad storytelling and highly sloppy.  All this does is to confuse the audience and turn them off.  This is just too much. The model for this show should be "What Not To Wear", not "Lost."

Louise has the flash forward to meeting Chiang at a conference and he says how important it is for her to call him in the past.  This is a super complex idea here. And the only way to sell this to our audience is through a bite, people! Have Louise convey this in a way that can be understood in 140 characters or less. If the idea can't be easily retweeted, then it doesn't belong on this show!

Please do these notes and send us a notes response by 4pm today.  Thanks a bunch!

If LA LA LAND Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for the most popular movie musical to come out in the past few years.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop now and take a trip to your local planetarium where you could possibly see some 20-somethings float by while dancing. 

LA LA LAND Fine Cut 3 Notes

Hello! First of all, big thanks to you and your team for turning around our notes so quickly.  I feel like we are getting close to where we should be but we are definitely not there yet.  There are a lot of great things going on here but we really need to focus on clarity, precision and high-end storytelling. Right now, we feel the cut is lacking all of these things.  Also, we should really think about audience takeaway.  We need to show a Los Angeles that people want to see!  With the current spate of OJ-themed Los Angeles shows, we need to focus on the lighter side of LA.  Is there a musical number about delicious taco trucks?  A pas de deux about family-friendly museums?  A rousing chorus about the upside of being on a lot of auditions?  Please comb through your footage.  We need to think outside the box here and come up with a show that the whole family can enjoy while they are on their phones.  Also, we desperately need a bite pass.  We need to set up both Sebastian and Mia strongly at the top so the audience will want them to succeed.  Also, the end really needs a complete restructure.  Once this all happens, then we can send time coded notes.  Please read our notes below.  If you have any questions, please reread our notes and think about them.

"ANOTHER DAY OF SUN"

The opening number on the freeway does a great job at setting the tone. And Kudos for the lower third saying "Winter" - that's a first step to let the audience know when we are. But we need to also establish where we are.  Let's add another lower third that says "Los Angeles"; sure this is something that the audience could infer but let's not leave anything to chance here.  If one person is confused then it's one viewer we could lose.  

The opening is a little confusing as we introduce a lot of people and we don't know who they are.  Is the first soloist an aspiring actress? Model? Actress/model?  Is the second soloist a wannabe musician? I AM SO CONFUSED. How am I supposed to care about any of these people if it isn't spelled out exactly who everyone is at every moment? Let's recut this with an aggressive lower third pass.  Even a GFX of "Candance - 34 - Austin, Tx - Aspiring Hand Model" would do wonders.  

Please have an associate producer research how often Los Angeles has musical number-related traffic jams.  This could be a great bit of audience takeaway information!

When we do see Seb and Mia, they are just random people caught up in traffic.  We are missing great opportunities for intro packages.  With Seb, have him say "Hi, I'm Seb. I'm 32 years old, and I'm a jazz musician and enthusiast.  Jazz means everything to me and I'll explain it to anyone!"  (Please get this exactly)  Please get a similar intro bite from Mia after she runs lines in her car.  First it looks like she's on her phone and then we put together she's actually running lines for an audition. That's crazy! Let's clarify this with a bite.  "Hi, I'm Mia.  I'm an aspiring actress and I work as a barista in order to pay the bills. I love classic movies and was inspired by my aunt who lived in Paris." Otherwise, it's snoozeville. 

"SOMEONE IN THE CROWD"

Whoa, what's happening? We cut right into Mia's audition without a set up or anything.  Slow down, guys! Let's start with an establishing shot of the office with a lower third saying "Casting", with a bite from Mia explaining why this audition is important to her.  Remember, if we aren't connecting the dots for the audience at all times, then we are NOT doing our jobs.  It's storytelling!

Can we get an intro package with Mia's roommates? They seem really fun and vaguely multi-cultural.  

We do a swift montage and then Mia & her friends are suddenly at this big Hollywood party.  Let's see more of that! The drudgery of Mia's acting career is such a downer; the glamour of fancy parties is way for interesting.  Less moping, more Vivienne Westwood.

SEB

Whoa, I'm confused! We're back at the freeway? Oh, wait, we're now following Sebastian's story? Was he stuck on the freeway for days? Let's recut this to make it more linear.  

Is the scene with Seb and his sister really necessary?  We could cut the scene and establish Seb's backstory about his closed-down jazz club with a bite.  Just cut to the restaurant where he's playing.  Let's streamline wherever we can.

While it may be obvious to us that Mia really liked Seb's music, we can't assume that the audience knows this.  Yet again, we need another bite (I hate typing this, guys!). Have Mia say "Wow, hearing that music from Seb just transports me. It's amazing!". (Please get the verbatim and in present tense).  When he brushes past her, let's get another bite from her as well.  Remember my golden rule: "When in doubt, add a bite!"

SPRING PARTY

Finally, more Hollywood Glamour! Let's really make a juicy package out of this. Add more shots of girls in bikinis, fancy cars, great alcohol (Patron is a sponsor, so per the product integration agreement, we need at least 3 close-ups) and some fun music! (Don't make it cutty).  

Are there any takes where the cover band does any 80's soundalikes from our music library? Our music costs are breaking the bank right now so any chances we can save some money would be great.  

The Prius product integration is great.  No notes on that.  

SEB LOVES JAZZ

Seb does a great job explaining jazz to Mia. He makes it so accessible to Mia and also to our target demographic.  We were brainstorming here at the network and we think this could be a possible spinoff.  "Seb Explains Jazz!" "Seb Explains The Blues". Is he knowledgable about trap music?  Let's explore every option here.  

"CITY OF STARS"

Why is Seb singing on the Hermosa Pier? There are no bites for context here.  Let's make it a podbuster. 

GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY

Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying that only professionals should float dance at planetariums. Otherwise, we're just begging for a lawsuit. 

We have a great montage of Seb and Mia dancing around Los Angeles. Here's a great opportunity to let the audience know which areas of the Southland are more prone to spontaneous dance numbers.  That way they can plan their trips accordingly.  Please research and add this information in with fun, concise lower thirds.  

CITY OF STARS - DUET

Again, no bites for context.  Make it web content. 

MIA'S ONE WOMAN SHOW

So much emphasis is placed Mia writing and performing her one woman show and we never see it! Slapdash and weak, guys.  We either need to see it or we don't mention it.  Mia seems unhappy with the reception but if there aren't any bites telling me this, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? Do a thorough bite pass here.  Now.  Also if she is really ready to give up on her career, we need to hear why.  Man, guys, I'm really disappointed.

"AUDITION (THE FOOLS  WHO DREAM)"

I do love her monologue about her aunt at the audition.  However, we do need a bit more context as well. An anticipatory bite right before it would work wonders.  Also, do we have any footage of her aunt jumping into the Seine? That would really help the audience follow the story.  

EPILOGUE

I feel like my talk is falling on deaf ears here but we need to revisit the end. This weird fantasy sequence about how Mia's and Seb's life could have gone is just confusing and weird. No bites? No sound ups? Are there audio problems? Let's shoot a pick up scene with Seb and Mia where they talk about Mia's movie success and Seb opening his club. That way we get a clean happy ending and that's what the audience is craving.  Also, we can plug Seb's club, as per our product integration agreement.  It's a Win-Win-Win!

Please address these notes today by 5pm, complete with notes responses.  Thanks a bunch!

 

If THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS Got A Round Of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following gives some spoilers to THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS.  If you don't want to be spoiled, please skip this until you've seen the film.  And also after you've spayed and neutered your little darlings. 

THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello to you and your team. We appreciate getting this cut in such a timely manner.  While we have a lot of things going for us with the show, we here at the network feel that we have such a long way to go in such a short time.  Right now, the humor is just too intellectual for our target demographic. We need to make things a lot clearer for our audience. You are just assuming too much at this point.  A bite pass is absolutely necessary.  Also, we desperately need some lower thirds too.  

To compete with the other animal shows on the air right now, we need to give the audience takeaway information.  If we can watch Cesar Milan manhandle a malamute and learn a thing or two, we definitely can do that with two dogs going from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back.  (More on that later).  We need to think BIGGER, guys.  Let's go for it!  Once we get these big overall changes done, then we'll give you time-coded notes.  Below are some ideas.  If you have any questions, please contact my assistant; she's been out of college for 6 months and she gave half the notes!  

MAX'S INTRO

You guys did a great job with introducing Max. His VO is on point and gives a great thorough execution.  However, let's make sure to add people saying his name more as the scenes go along.  Our research shows that our viewers treat our channel as secondary viewing.  That is, we have to make sure that a 40 year old mom of 3 in Kansas City can follow along as she's doing the dishes.  So, if we keep having the other people say "MAX!" in all of the scenes he's in, this happy homemaker can easily follow along.  Got it?

While Max gets a great intro, the rest of his squad could use a more thorough bite pass.  Yes, Chloe is an snooty cat who thinks she's above it all; the question is WHY.  If it's just because she's a cat, then that borders on being feline-ist and we are not about any sort of discrimination at this network.  Please dig through your bites and add a good, juicy, easy-to-follow, short, thorough, to the point but colorful bite explaining who she is.  

DUKE'S INTRO

When Duke is brought back into Katie's apartment, it is very confusing.  Who is Duke? Why is he there? Sure, I could just watch the scene and figure that out but at this network, that is a no-no! Let's give Duke the big fun intro bite he deserves! Something like "Hey there! I'm Duke! I'm a big mutt that was found at the pound. I got out of the yard one day and I couldn't find my way back home.  I'm really sad but I'm also fun and approachable and I'm the life of the party!" (Please pattern this bite one of the guys from "The Bachelorette"; our research shows women who buy cheap pinot grigio also watch our network)

Max's and Duke's first couple days together are super intense.   Their fighting over the doggie bed, Max manipulating Duke into being his slave -- reminds me of when Bethenny and the Countess squared off in the Hamptons! (With less fur, of course). We have great content here: it flows very well, full of tension and humor. The one thing missing?  About 5 interview bites to give us context! Let's wring as much drama from this section as possible.  If we aren't telling the audience how to feel at all times, then we storytellers are just being lazy!  And who wants to be like that?

MAX AND DUKE GET LOST

The dog walker takes Max, Duke, Mel, Buddy and other puppies to Central Park to play.  This is a great opportunity to get some of that takeaway information I was talking about.  How many dogs are brought to this park in a year? How many dog parks are there in Manhattan? How many tons of dog poop are picked up in a year?  These are great bits of info that our audience would love to use at their company lunches and dinner parties... and we are letting this opportunity pass us by! Let's set ourselves up for success! 

Max and Duke are confronted by a bunch of feral cats -- I'm not feeling anything because the music is not helping here.  Let's add a cymbal scrape every time a cat appears.  That'll really let the audience know that something important is happening! 

SNOWBALL AND THE FLUSHED PETS

Max and Duke head into the sewers and encounters The Flushed Pets, led by their leader Snowball.  He says he was a magician's pet -- any footage of this?  Adding a flashback here would be a great addition and really sell this.  Also, a more detailed bite from Snowball would be great.  How long was he a magician's assistant? Does he like living in the sewers? Would he want to live in a Tiny House there? (If so, we could jump on this trend and strike some ratings gold!)

GIDGET GOES TO GET MAX

Please lower third this entire section.

Make sure that every animal in Pop's party has signed a release. 

Also, let's change out the music in Pops' party.  A lyric track soundalike to Pitbull would be great.  (Get it? Get it? - It's Molly, Bob's assistant.  Oh, I just love Pitbull. He's so street!)

MAX AND DUKE GO TO BROOKLYN

This scene is another missed opportunity.  Yes, Duke gets to go to his home and he learns his owner has died. But here we are in the hottest borough in the country and we are not taking advantage of this. Yes, the dogs go to  a sausage factory, but is it a local, artisanal one? Is it attached to an organic microbrew that our audience can go to on their next visit to the Big Apple? In addition to the story, we're also selling the location.  Again, take away info.  Let's think bigger, people!

The end is quite satisfying and yet we could really use some bites here.  Max and Duke have come to like each other and now consider each other friends, but if they don't say that clearly in a bite, how are we all to know? Let's s-p-e-l-l it out so we can s-u-c-c-e-e-d! (Molly again! Hope you liked my notes!  Oh, and can we get the next cut tomorrow morning by 11am with your responses? kthaxbai!)

If BATMAN Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot details about the 1989 film version of BATMAN.  If you don't wish to be spoiled by this, then please, move on. 

BATMAN ROUGH CUT 2 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning this cut around so quickly.  While the show really does have some verve, we do feel that more work is definitely needed.  The biggest problem we are having is that we really don't KNOW Bruce Wayne. He's too much of an enigma. We do mysterious in reality TV, not a real mystery. Let's get a big bite pass from him so he can tell us more of who he is and why he's cavorting around in a big rubber suit.  Honestly, a bite pass in general would really work wonders. Until this happens, we really can't give time-coded notes at this time.  

OPENING

Batman's confrontation with the two goons on the rooftop is great, but it could really benefit from more clarity.  When they start hearing the noises and seeing the shadows, let's put in a few bites from them about how afraid they are.  Also, when Batman is dangling the mugger from the rooftop, let's throw in a bite from the criminal there, saying how scared he is.  Just because we can tell this guy doesn't want to be dropped down seven stories doesn't mean the audience will.  

Once Bruce tells the thug "I'm Batman!" and swoops away, this is a perfect opportunity for a Batman Intro Package.  Let's kick it off with bite like "I'm Bruce Wayne, a billionaire entrepreneur here in Gotham City.  My parents were murdered in an alley 20 years ago, and to avenge their deaths, I assume the identity of Batman!" Marry this with a sexy montage of him with the Batmobile, the Batcycle, his outfits, him working out, etc.  Without this set up, he's too much inscrutable. How can I root for him if he doesn't explicitly tell me why he does what he does?

JACK NAPIER & HIS BOSS

There's a great scene where the District Attorney Harvey Dent says he's going to go after organized crime.  How bad is crime in Gotham City?  When Dent makes this claim, let's cut to the flashback of Batman fighting those thugs.  The audience will need a visual reminder about how bad the crime is in this city. 

Jack Napier seems like a really interesting guy -- was he one of the husbands on Real Housewives of New Jersey? (Please double check). It seems to me like he is the second in command to crime boss Carl Grissom but it's not obvious. Let's do a chryon pass on this scene. Have Jack's lower third say "Jack Napier, 40, Second-In-Command, Grissom Crime Family." If we tell the audience all the information for a scene, they can really enjoy it.  

Based on Grissom's look to Jack after his girlfriend comes in, it's apparent that obviously something is going on between her and Jack. Let's drive that home with a bite from Jack along the lines of "I really hope Carl doesn't realize that I've been seeing his girlfriend behind his back.  Considering Carl's violent history, that would be really awkward for me!" In his own words, of course.

VICKI VALE

Vicki Vale's introduction at the newspaper is great and we are big fans of hers here at the network. Let's build out an intro package for her saying how long she's been a photojournalist, and then have her talk about her love of fashion and high-heel shoes. (Minimize the shots of her photos from the war-torn Corto Maltese - too serious) The women we feature on our network need to COME ACROSS as smart, driven professionals but we actually showing them doing their job is a bridge our audience just can't cross.  

CONFRONTATION AT AXIS CHEMICALS

When Jack gets double-crossed by Grissom, please add a bite where he exclaims his disgust.  He falls into the vat of chemicals, put in a cymbal scrape to really drive home how dangerous that is.  (Should we put a trigger warning at the top of the episode? Let's discuss)

When Jack becomes the Joker and kills Grissom, let's get a bite from one of his henchmen about the transformation.  If we can get someone to tell us how big the Joker's change is, we can then really feel it!

FUNDRAISER

The flirtation between Vicki and Bruce is palpable but again, since we really don't know Bruce Wayne at all, I am bored SOLID by this interaction.  Has it been a while since he's dated? What is his type? Is he a virgin? Let's throw in a bio bite about his history with the opposite sex here.  That will really help this scene out. 

ATTACK AT ART MUSEUM

Oof, I am not a fan of the Joker defacing all the artwork.  First of all, that's bad for us legally. Secondly, can we clear all those paintings? If not, our blur costs will go through the roof! Let's use a different take.  

Batman asks how much Vicki Vale weighs and then lifts her up using his grappling hook, he says "You don't weigh 110 pounds." She says "No kidding!" Let's drive this humor home by adding a woodblock sound effect and then cut to Batman's interview where he wordlessly smirks to the camera.  Let's take every comedic opportunity possible!

SMLYEX

Per legal, every logo of every cosmetic poisoned by the Joker needs to be blurred. 

BRUCE/JOKER CONFRONTATION AT VICKI'S APARTMENT

When the Joker says "Do you ever dance with devil by the pale moonlight", we FINALLY get a flashback. However, it's to a scene we haven't seen yet. How can we flashback to something we haven't seen yet?! No. This is not how we do things at this network.  Let's add the scene to the top of the show and then an additional pick up scene where Bruce laments his parents' being killed (and then we can flashback to the first scene in this pick up scene.  Now THAT'S being creative!)

VICKI GOES TO THE BATCAVE

Alfred lets Vicki into the Batcave and we don't here what Vicki thinks of that? Let's get into her head here and hear how she feels about Bruce keeping his huge mancave a secret.  Does she want to redecorate it?

We've been hearing so many orchestral music cues; let's swap them up here with something more poppy or modern.  Dig into those music libraries and let's make some magic!

BATMAN'S CONFRONTATION WITH THE JOKER IN DOWNTOWN GOTHAM CITY

Let's add a Joker bite to the previous scene about how his real plan is to kill the populace of the city with the Smylex gas by using his giving away millions of dollars a ruse.  When the balloons with the killer gas start to leak, there is no context for it and therefore the audience won't care.

The fight sequence between Batman and the Joker is excellent. When the Joker says to his henchman "Where does he get those wonderful toys?", let's throw in an animated Joker bite where he laments Batman's wealth of weaponry. What kind of toys would the Joker want? Let's hear from him as much as we can!

In the final fight on the bellower, Joker throws on a pair of glasses and then says "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" and then Batman does! Hilarious! Let's drive that home with a record scratch SFX. That way the audience will know it's funny!

If you have any questions, just let us know. We look forward to getting this changes done by the end of day. Thanks!

If BEAUTY AND THE BEAST Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for Disney's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. If your nose is going to get bent out of shape regarding spoilers from a movie that came out in 1991, please up your dosage. 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST RC2 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for addressing the notes from Rough Cut I. We do appreciate your team turning those notes around so quickly.  Unfortunately, as it now sits, we feel we do have a long way to go in before we can really truly lock this episode. Timecoded notes will have to wait; we are in emergency mode.  Right now, Belle is coming across as too scholastic and the Beast has too much camera time.  Can we recut this so Belle and Gaston end up together? (Just an idea) There is also a lot of potential right now amongst the Beast's staff; let's flesh that out a bunch (please see below). Also, where is the bite pass we requested? Guys, we need to really be up front with our viewers about the characters' feelings and intentions. Let's get into the heads of every human, creature, and talking armoire in our cast! Every scene has to have TENSION AND STAKES; right now, we are way off the mark. Detailed notes are below. 

PROLOGUE

Is this scratch VO explaining the Prince's background? The guy sounds really old; is this one of the editors? Let's re-record with someone younger with more energy.  Right now, we do feel this is a great set up for the story.  Let's maximize our screen time by grabbing the viewers right from the start.  Maybe a Zach Ephron-type? Let's discuss. 

BELLE IN THE VILLAGE

I've never been fond of casting Belle; too bookish. (We should have gone more Megan Fox than Amy Adams, but I was overruled). Our research shows that our audience likes seeing women WITH books over actually LOVING books; the latter makes our target demographic feel dumb and unproductive.  And who wants that?  Let's do an opening montage of Belle walking through her hometown where she explains who she is, where she lives and her interests (THEN show her reading a book for maybe 3 seconds).  This whole section can be trimmed down. 

Gaston has a great entrance. He is testing very well and we are big fans of his over here, so let's set him up for success, shall we? Add in some very empathetic bites from him and La Fou about how much he's loved in town.  That way, he can be great foil for Belle and not be so douchey. (Though a bit of douchiness is good; the affluencers in our demographic thoroughly enjoy tweeting about a lovable bad boy!) Recut Belle's and Gaston's confrontation where we tone him down some.  You guys, we need to protect our cast from themselves. 

BELLE'S FATHER AT THE BEAST'S MANSION

Belle's father Maurice is going to a fair because he's an inventor? I know Belle explained this to Gaston in the previous scene but I totally forgot about it! Let's put in a flashback here to drive this home.  How important is the fair? How often does this happen? Why is Belle not going with her father? So many loose ends here, guys; sloppy, sloppy, SLOPPY! Let's do a serious bite pass on this scene so we can set ourselves up for success.  

When Belle's father actually gets the Beast's house, let's cut this scene way down.  Frankly, the Beast is just too ugly. We want TV Ugly, not ugly-ugly. Are there better shots of him? Why is he so hairy? (Again, overruled in casting). My heart aches at all the cost overruns we're going to have in Color Correction to make him on brand with our network, but oh well. 

GASTON PROPOSES TO BELLE

Wait, Gaston is proposing already? Aww, that's so sweet! But this comes out of nowhere! Let's add a pickup scene where he goes to buy the ring.  (Maybe Harry Winston? Some of your producers have connections there from previous seasons of The Bachelor, yes?) 

Belle explains in song why she said no to Gaston after she kicks him out? NO NO NO. We need to hear from her BEFORE she kicks him out! Let's get some Belle bites in there now; if she isn't telling us how she's feeling at every second, how can we root for her? 

BELLE ARRIVES AT BEAST'S MANSION

After conferring with other people here at the network, I really think that the strongest elements in the show are the Beast's staff.  A talking clock? A teapot with a British accent? A French candlestick having an affair with a feather duster? And a boss that looks like Rob Kardashian crossed with a wildebeest? Now THIS is the sexy, urbane show that we ordered!  This has so much comedic and romantic potential.  Comb through your footage and see what we can do to really get the best material we can. Maybe it's a backdoor pilot! We think this could be a great workplace show; think Vanderpump Rules with a less frightening boss. Or a more believable Jerseylicious.  

Belle agrees to stay at the castle instead of her father, but she doesn't tell us why.  I guess it's to get her father out of that cell so he can be free, but if she doesn't tells us this word for word, then how am I to know? HOW AM I TO KNOW? Get a bite in here where she explains this. 

GASTON DRINKS AT THE BAR 

La Fou and Gaston having some bro time is great, but we are missing some opportunities here. La Fou sings this whole song about Gaston's features but does he like-like Gaston? If we can possibly play up that La Fou is gay, this could help get GLAAD off our backs.  Please double check your footage. 

If Gaston is really covered in hair and uses antlers in all of his decorating, then we are really missing a Lumbersexual angle with him that we should really exploit. Let's do some pick up interviews where he's styled like Mumford or one of his Sons. 

BELLE IN THE CASTLE

The Beast does has a great scene with Lumiere & Mrs. Potts about the importance of witch's curse and wilting rose, but this really could be explored a lot more.  When Belle first arrives at the castle looking for her father, let's put in a couple bites to really drive this home. The more often we reiterate a story point, the stronger the story we tell!

BEAST SCARES BELLE 

The Beast scares Belle causing her to run off and then he rescues her from a pack of wolves in the woods. Why haven't we seen these wolves before? Are they there often? Let's set up the wolves in a previous scene so we can really maximize the drama. Also, again here's my mantra: BITES BITES BITES! If the Beast didn't like Belle being in the West Wing of his castle, why is he rescuing her? It's not realistic that a Beast would change its emotions like that so quickly.  Let's get into his head and figure out why the sudden change of heart. 

THE FLIRTING

I can sort of see how the romance is starting to blossom between Beast and Belle but let's drive this home. While they are outside flirting, make the following changes to the audio design:

* When Belle smiles at the Beast as he's feeding the birds, add a cymbal scrape.

* When the Beast looks at Belle as she's walking to the tree, add a cymbal scrape.

* When Belle laughs at the Beast when she sees all of the birds resting on him, add a woodblock sound THEN  a cymbal scrape.  

Let's be creative with the audio design to really tell the audience how they should feel at all times! 

BELLE AND BEAST DANCE

This is the best the Beast has ever looked and Belle finally looks like good. But all we hear during this scene is Mrs. Potts singing. Can we add a bite from the Beast in here, saying how he feels for her. Maybe a funny bite from Cogsworth? Take a look.  

GASTON RALLIES THE TROOPS/INVADES CASTLE

Gaston is really saying "Kill the Beast?" Is there a take where he says "I want to call the Beast out" instead? Per legal, we really can't advocate murder. Maybe cheat in some audio? 

The Beast's staff does a great job fending off the marauding horde. Do they have experience with this? Some additional bites here would really work wonders.  

Is there another take where Gaston learns his lesson and doesn't plummet to his death? We'd like to keep our options open with him (maybe a dating show? On The Hunt With Gaston has a great ring to it).

Belle's confession of love is all nice and good but it could stand more of a setup. Maybe an additional bite about her feelings? Let's play around it it.

Thanks again for attacking these in a timely manner. Please have these tomorrow by 1pm. I look forward to your notes responses as well!

If THE WIZARD OF OZ Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for THE WIZARD OF OZ. If you are worried about being spoiled by one of the most popular films in history, then God help you. 

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THE WIZARD OF OZ FC1 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning around the previous cut to us so quickly.  We really appreciate the time and effort your team has put into the previous cuts but unfortunately, we are VERY disappointed with the state of the show thus far.  While we understand that sometimes we veer off of the approved outline during production, the cut as it stands is just too different to us to approve.  We'd like another Fine Cut before lock.  A lot of changes need to take place before we're done, so we are unable to give time coded notes at this time.  As it stands right now, the Oz sections are way stronger than the Kansas sections, so we should really focus on our strengths and minimize our weaknesses.  Oz is a very interesting place but we really don't know anything about it.  The audience is craving takeaway info about new places so let's give it to them.  Any fun restaurants in Oz? Shopping? Exciting local customs and fashions? Think less "Lord of the Rings" and more Anthony Bourdain. We also want to do a restructuring as well (see below).  The characters also need more definition and a bite pass is absolutely necessary.  

Please double check to make sure all the songs being used are cleared.  

DOROTHY IN KANSAS

Is there something wrong with the output? This section is in a weird sepia tone black & white, not color.  Our research shows that younger viewers will only accept black and white footage in a Beyonce video.  Please fix this in Color Correction. 

We first see Dorothy and Toto running along a street talking about a mean Mrs. Gulch.  Who is Mrs. Gulch? Where are we? You and I know that she's in Kansas but we cannot assume that the audience does.  Please build out an opening montage showing us Kansas and add a chyron that says "Kansas."  If we tell our audience explicitly what's happening right from the jump, they will be with us the entire time.  

Dorothy is an appealing character; she's sweet and likable in a flyover state sort of way.  But her intentions are a bit muddled.  Please put in a bite along the lines of "I live with my aunt & uncle on a farm in Kansas and my dog Toto is my best friend; Toto bit a mean neighbor, Mrs. Gulch."  In her own words, of course. 

Dorothy does a nice job on "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", but the action has completely stopped at this point and I am BORED.  She wants to go someplace else but this sentiment has absolutely no set up! Guys, this is really, REALLY sloppy.  How can I root for her if she doesn't tell us exactly how she's feeling at all times? Please add a sound up of her saying something like this to Toto.  

I really think we can cut down the rest of this section.  Let's go from the song, to a bit with Mrs. Gulch threatening to take Toto away, to the tornado. (The scene with Professor Marvel can be a web extra) Everything else is really slow and bogging down the action.  Also outside of Dorothy, neither her aunt & uncle nor the agricultural workers are really camera ready.  Are there any attractive farm hands around? We really don't want to alienate our audience so early into the proceedings.  

ARRIVING IN OZ

Wow, Munchkinland looks amazing! So bright and colorful. I really want to go there! Is there a less violent take of Dorothy arriving in Oz? We don't want our audience to think that they have to kill a green woman in order to visit this fun place. 

The denizens of Munchkinland are very interesting.  Considering the current appeal of little people shows, we think there is a lot of potential here. Any more scene work with Dorothy and the Lollipop Guild? This could be a potential backdoor pilot of "Little Women: Lullaby League."  Please double check your footage and let us know.  

Dorothy spends so little time in Munchinkinland. Does she do anything else while there? Any fancy hotels? 

The Wicked Witch of the West makes a great entrance, but this is BEGGING for a bio bite from her. How close was she to her sister? Why are the shoes so important? What does the Mayor of Munchkinland think of her? Let's think outside of the box here and really build her up. She's very important to the rest of the episode so she needs as much set up as possible. 

YELLOW BRICK ROAD

Let's put in a bite from Glinda about how important the Yellow Brick Road is to Oz. Right now it just seems like a pretty pedestrian path and not a main thoroughfare. 

General note: do a graphics pass and show Dorothy's progress through Oz.  How can I root for her to get to the Emerald City if I don't know how far she has to travel?

SCARECROW, TIN MAN, COWARDLY LION

This is a big note for all three of these characters. They all have potential but the current scene work with them is cheap and lackluster.  The Scarecrow wants a brain but comes up with great ideas; the Tin Man has no heart but he's crying all the time.  Guys, we CAN'T be this sloppy. We are better than this. Remember, in our style guide, characters are defined by ONE personality trait that NEVER CHANGES.  We should to the following:

SCARECROW -- wants a brain -- therefore must be dumb and say stupid things.

TIN MAN -- wants a heart -- must be cold and unfeeling.

COWARDLY LION -- wants courage -- must be afraid at all times. 

WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST -- mean, wicked -- angry, vengeful, obsessed with shoes

The scene work with the Lion is the most consistent but for the other two, this is just amateur hour.  All the their introduction scenes will need to be recut along these lines. Remember, the audience is counting on us to give them the best story possible!

EMERALD CITY

Let's put a disclaimer at the top warning about the dangers of drug abuse. Either that or we cut the poppies.  

The montage of Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion's spa day in the Emerald City finally has some of the sexy, glamorous footage that we've been craving.  The haircuts, the buffing; this is great. Let's show them doing more in the Emerald City. Any other sights to see? Any great shopping? Can we add a pick up scene of them getting some essentials from Target? We have a great relationship with them and this product integration would really help with the budget. 

Please cut the Lion's "If I Were The King of the Forest".  We think it would be better as a podbuster. 

SEEING THE WIZARD

The Wizard seems intimidating but no one is saying he IS intimidating.  Any bites about the scary wizard? Maybe from the Tin Man? (A bite from the Cowardly Lion is just too on the nose at this point.)

DOROTHY'S CAPTURE BY THE WITCH

While we really do feel for Dorothy as she's watching footage of Auntie Em missing her, we do think that a montage of unseen footage of Dorothy spending quality time with her aunt would really drive that emotion home. Maybe to a Sarah McLachlan soundalike lyric cue? Just thinking out loud here. 

The Scarecrow comes up with idea for infiltrating the Witch's castle? EXCUSE ME, he doesn't have a brain! This is what I'm talking about! Is there another take where the Tin Man comes up with it? If we're stuck with this, please add a bite from the Tin Man along the lines of "For a guy without a brain, I'm surprised the Scarecrow came up with this idea. Maybe he's smarter than he thinks!" This will then give context for the end. Right now, this is just too incongruous to really work. 

Dorothy's rescue works really well, but the Witch's death by water comes completely out of nowhere. It's just too jarring.  Any scene work with her hating water in the Munchkinland section? 

RESTRUCTURING

Ending the entire episode on "it was all a dream" really kills the travelogue strengths of the show.  Since Oz is way more appealing than Kansas (what isn't?), we'd like to kill the epilogue completely. End the episode with Dorothy saying "There's no place like home", and then add a montage of her arriving in Kansas.  We need to keep the episode as sexy as possible; ending it on a dreary farm in the middle of nowhere goes against our network brand. Also, a closing wrap up bite from Dorothy would really help put a button on the proceedings.

We look forward to the changes; please get these to us by noon tomorrow. Thanks!

Paradigm Found

My first acting role was the one of the monsters in "Where The Wild Things Are" when I was in first grade. I had a puppet made from a brown paper bag and some construction paper.  It was a lot of fun.  I then performed it again on my front porch for the neighbor kids later on that day.  That was my first taste. 

During grade school, I would read aloud in class, do readings at church, and act in skits during Indian Guide outings.  In the summer between the 6th & 7th grades, I took a French class. Our final involved performing a poem for a live audience about kids who had green beans growing out of their ears because they refused to bathe.  I was nervous performing in front of a rather large group of people. I confessed as much to my dad afterwards.

"Really?" he asked. "You seemed so calm... like you were talking to the U.N. or something."

It was not something I was expected my dad to say.  "Huh", I thought, "Maybe I can do this."  I auditioned for my first play in the 7th grade. I didn't get the part. I auditioned for another play in the 8th grade. I didn't get that part either. 

High school was a completely different matter.  My school did 11 plays a year. Let that sink in for a second.  11 plays, every year. And four of them were directed by students.  Looking back on it now, I am absolutely stunned that we had such an amazing opportunities.  In my high school career, I did acted in 11 plays -- playing bit parts to some meaty supporting roles. But never the lead.  I also participated in Speech Team, winning some awards along the way.

Through theater, I learned the basics for acting, storytelling, improv, creating characters, comedic timing and working in an ensemble. By competing for roles early on (and also competing on Speech Team), I learned you aren't going to get every part. Not everything goes your way all the time, and that's okay. Play the long game, not the short one.

My first two years of college, I was a film major. But during that time, I did community theater. Some of it was decent, some of it was amazing.  I was also taking acting classes and performing in an improv troupe at school.  After a while, I had "Mission Creep": I was taking less and less film classes and more and more theater classes.  It was getting pretty obvious that I was no longer interested in being a filmmaker; I wanted to act, damn it. So I switched my major to theater, thinking "That's it; I found my calling. I am an actor."

This was 21 years ago.

I had a pretty stellar acting career in college, scoring some great roles, doing some amazing work, and making solid friendships that I hold dearly to this very day.  I graduated college knowing that I was going to have to bust my ass and prove myself.  For the next 3 1/2 years, I did a lot of theater in Chicago.  I took acting classes.  I studied and graduated from the Training Center of Second City.  I got my first agent.  I did some good theater, some shitty theater and some wonderful theater.  I did a couple non-union commercials, a couple short films and a lead role in an indie film.

I was also quite unhappy. 

I was getting enough stuff to keep me interested but nothing that would pay the bills strictly from acting.  And the auditions for me in Chicago were rare.  At the time, the market was very conservative; most of the roles being offered were for bland corporate types. I walk in as the goofy guy with curly hair, and no one knew what to do with me. So, in 1999, Tom and I moved to Los Angeles.  A former agent of mine in Chicago became my manager in LA, and he set me up with some interviews at a couple agencies. Two were interested, I picked one, and I was off auditioning for commercials -- two weeks after I'd arrived.  [Those were the only two weeks that I didn't have an agent in the past 16 years.] I was flush with commercial auditions but I really wanted was to be on a TV show.  After a year in LA, I landed my first union gig which helped open the doors for TV auditions. 

You know how some celebrities say that they got their big break because they had good timing? Well, I had horrible timing.  See, I'm built for sitcoms.  Multi-camera sitcoms.  And by 2000, comedies were on the wane, and procedural cops shows and serious shows were on the rise.  I'd walk in for an audition or I'd meet a casting director at a workshop and I could tell they had no idea what to do with me.  "You're really funny", "You have such an interesting look", "You really bring something different to the table." I'd hear all of these and I knew that meant it was a "No." For years, I would book a commercial or two, maybe a 2 line role on a TV show here or there, but that's it.  Fortunately, the commercials were quite lucrative and that helped keep me interested in sticking it out.  They would be enough of a carrot to keep me interested.

During this time, I was taking a variety of acting classes: commercial technique, Meisner technique, Viewpoints. And workshops; I took so many casting director workshops. 

Fortunately during all of this, I worked in reality television. [How I got into that can be found here.] I was able to pay my bills and supplement my income by working in television.  To be honest, I have always LOVED television.  So, the fact that I get to make TV while trying to acting in TV did make me smile. 

A couple years ago, the commercial auditions started drying up.  My commercial agent at the time suggested I get new headshots. I complied; went to the photographer they wanted, they picked out the pics... and I got nothing.  I started taking voiceover classes as well, and really fell in love with it.  I plopped about $1200 down to get a VO demo done.  Last year I got a new manager after being without one for over a decade.  He's a great guy and super gung ho. He was getting some auditions for me that my representation seemed unable or unwilling to get. And he also firmly believed that my future was in doing voiceover, specifically animation.  He was trying to get me into a better voiceover agency from where I was at.  It's all about access in this town, and if your representation doesn't have proper access then you are going to fester.  And I was festering; I was getting some stray auditions, but nothing was landing.  I hadn't booked a paying acting gig in about 2 years.

During this period, another mission creep happened.  I started taking less and less acting classes.  I was also doing some really fun and involving reality television producing work, but I was still calling myself an actor... mostly because that's how I defined myself. I'd been doing it so long, why would I define myself as anything else? 

This past June, on the same day that DOMA and Prop 8 were overturned, my manager sent me an email, asking if we could talk.  My heart sank; I knew this couldn't be good news.  We talked during lunch, and he said that since he wasn't making any money off of me, it's time to maybe "rethink the relationship." When I asked him about other voiceover agencies, he said that they claimed my demo didn't show enough range... so I'd have to redo my demo. With the thought that I'd have to plop down another $1200-1600 for a new demo, this thought came crystal clear from my gut:

I. CAN'T. DO. THIS. ANYMORE.

It was simple, direct.  And I felt it. I can't do this anymore. I can't bring myself to try to be a full-time actor guy anymore.  It's not worth it to me.  I can't put myself through the bullshit of fighting for a 3-line role on some random TV show anymore.  I can't put myself through sitting through another casting director workshop to have some bitter casting associate say I'm like Fozzie Bear (which happened, by the way, and fuck her very much). I'm over it, I'm done. It's all behind me.

My manager asked for me to sit on this for a week to make sure I wasn't doing anything rash.  I did. He called me a week later and then told him that I need to step away from all this. When I did that, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.  I felt free.  I was producing TV full time for several years now, and it was fun! [ETA - it still is!] I was working a creative job in a field I loved and I was making good money doing it.  And what's wrong with that? Nothing. Not a damn thing. I wasn't an actor anymore; I'm a TV producer.

About two months later, I got a call out of the blue from my manager. He said that a very respectable voiceover agency heard my demo and wanted to meet with me.  At first I rolled my eyes and thought "No. I'm not putting myself through this again." But I then thought, well... it couldn't hurt.  I'll meet with them. If I do like what they're saying, I'll say no.  I already had before, I can do it again. 

I took the meeting with a warmth and confidence I hadn't felt in ages.  "Oh, you're going to ask me to something I don't want? Fuck you, I make TV for a living, I don't need this BS..." I took the meeting, and the folks I met had a very different approach.  Instead of looking at me at a commodity to help beef up their portfolio, they saw me as an asset they were missing. They liked my quality, they liked my talent, they liked I what I bring to the table.  Based on that approach, I said yes to them. 

I'm still working in reality TV but now a couple times a week I pop into their office and record some voiceover auditions.  I don't know if I'll end up with a career in voiceover or not.  Instead of being an actor who works in TV to pay the bills, I'm a TV producer who does some acting on the side.  And I couldn't be happier.