NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved musicals of all-time. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please climb every mountain you can to avoid one of the highest grossing films ever.
THE SOUND OF MUSIC FINE CUT 4 NETWORK NOTES
Hello hello hello. Thanks for addressing our previous set of notes. As per our conference call, we still have a long way to go before we have the show ready for air. The biggest problem we have right now is focus. What works for us at our network are sweet relatable shows about families with a lot of children. But we've never had one where all the kids can sing together! What a hook! We need to focus on that and dump all of the nun stuff. (All of the stuff at the beginning with Maria at the convent really feel like a different show. Maybe cut and repurpose it for something else? The Real House Nuns of Salzburg does have a great ring to it. Or maybe SuperNunny? Let's discuss) Here we have seven adorable, camera-friendly children who can sing harmony without scaring off advertisers. It's like 19 Kids and Counting without the David Koresh cult vibe. There's gold to be had here; all we have to do is mine for it!
Also the storytelling is just not strong enough. Whoever edited this should consider a career in hotel/motel management. Story is key! We are severely lacking in bites and b-roll transitions; a chyron pass is absolutely needed. (Can you tell the difference between Gretl and Marta on sight? Yeah, me neither.) You guys are making a lot of assumptions about what our audience knows. We need to make sure that this is as streamlined and easy-to-consume as possible. The less taxing the show is for the audience, the higher our ratings! Once these are addressed, we can send time coded notes. Won't happen until then.
PS. Are we married to this title? It's too generic. Let's go with "Von Trapped." It's fun and based on the focus group we did in suburban Annapolis, it'll go over very well.
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE
While we all appreciate all of the drone footage of the Austrian mountainside, we have a whole scene with Maria and no one else. What does this have to do with 7 brothers and singers who can harmonize? Every scene has to have TENSION AND STAKES AT ALL TIMES. What are the stakes of a woman with poor fashion sense twirling around in the grass? Guys, if we aren't aiming high in every scene, then the audience will lose interest and go back to YouTube. We need a stronger start; keep the b-roll, cut to Maria's arrival at the Von Trapp household with an intro bite like "My name is Maria. I'm a nun here in Salzburg, Austria and I've come to be the new governess for Captain Von Trapp and his children. I'm nervous that I won't do a good job. Hopefully I won't be fired." (Please get this verbatim)
THE CONVENT
For proper context, we really need a strong bite that sets up World War II. You can't assume that the audience will know what that is.
As previously mentioned, this whole section can be removed. We have 6 nuns we've never met (without a lower third on any of them) talking about a woman who all we saw doing was just spinning on a mountain. "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" Make it a snap-in.
MARIA ARRIVES AT THE VON TRAPP HOUSEHOLD
When the Captain catches Maria dancing in the closed-down ballroom, she seems startled and then walks out. I say "seems startled" because there isn't a bite there telling me how she feels! Guys, this is just so sloppy. Come on. Let's get a bite in there about how she felt about being caught, a bite from her beforehand to explain why she would go into the closed ballroom to begin with, an intro bite from the Captain so we know who he is, and a bite from Maria saying how intimidating the Captain is. And make sure this all flows and doesn't seem too bite-heavy.
The Captain says that Maria is the 12th governess they've had. Do we have footage of the other governesses? A montage of the former governesses trying to deal with the children could be fun and unusual way for us to meet the kids and set up the stakes. Let's think outside of the box, people!
When the Captain makes the children introduce themselves, this is a fantastic opportunity for a big juicy intro package. As each child steps forward, throw in some bio bites for each one so the audience can easily differentiate one from the other. The faster the audience can do this, the faster we can start having great hashtags all over social media. There are a lot of shows with litters of kids; we need to do what we can to stand out! Let's set their characters like this:
LIESL - The Flirt
FRIEDRICH - The Know-It-All
LOUISA - The Sarcastic One
KURT - The Goody Two-Shoes
BRIGITTA - The Bookworm
MARTA - The Cute One
GRETL - The Sweet One
Make sure that all bites and sound-ups from the kids reflect these singular character traits AT ALL TIMES. If we show some different personality quirks, the audience will easily be confused. We only have 42 minutes to convey each story; let's make every second count!
When Maria says that she's never been a governess before, let's get a couple of bites in from the kids saying how they can't wait to try to test their new governess. That way we know that they are fun and mischievous (in a relatable, family-friendly way, of course). As Maria produces the frog from her pocket, add in a cymbal scrape then a wood block. That way the audience will know that this is funny!
THE GAZEBO
We have a nice scene between Liesl and Rolf with the dancing and the kissing, but since I don't have any context for it, I'm just so confused! It's really obvious, guys. Let's get a fun flirty bite from Liesl about how much she likes Rolf, how long they've known each other and why she likes him so. Oh, and let's make sure we do a proper background check on everyone Liesl may date. Otherwise it's Josh Dugger all over again.
THE RAINSTORM
As Maria is singing about her favorite things, let's do a montage of images to go along with what she says. We can't assume that the audience knows what she's talking about. Just because we know what brown paper packages tied up with strings are, the audience may not. The more we spell things out, the stronger our storytelling is!
THE VON TRAPPS GO AROUND SALZBURG
As the kids are learning how to sing, let's get bites from all of them as the scene progresses. Are some of them nervous before they start singing? Are they worried about what their father will think? We need some stakes and conflict there. Do Re Mi doesn't really denote tension. Let's maximize our footage the best way possible!
THE CAPTAIN RETURNS WITH MAX AND THE BARONESS
Again, again, again: BITES BITES BITES! We need bites to establish both Max and the Baroness. Does she look forward to marrying the Captain? Is the Captain looking forward to spending more time with Baroness? Why does Max need to find another music group to manage? These are obvious questions and you guys totally dropped the ball here. Get these bites in here pronto and this dull driving scene will sing!
Speaking of singing, the first time we hear the kids sing is when they are way, WAY off camera as the Captain is arguing with Maria. How is this good producing? Again, this is the problem we're having. Currently, the focus is on Maria; it needs to be on the children! Let's start with the kids singing for the Baroness ON CAMERA. And that's where the focus needs to be! Get some bites from the Baroness about the singing kids, from the Captain about why he's so touched by the kids singing and how he's sorry for his behavior towards Maria. Our rule of thumb is: when it doubt, Bite it out!
THE LONELY GOAT HERD
Is there another take without the creepy puppets? If not, we may need to issue a trigger warning.
MARIA RETURNS TO THE ABBEY
Wait, why is Maria going to the convent? Oh right, she used to live there. I completely forgot! Let's throw in a flashback of her living there so we can set this up right. We don't want the audience to be confused!
Per legal, make sure the Mother Superior says "What is you [BLEEP] face?"
THE WEDDING
Maria's and the Captain's wedding is beautiful and lush, but I can't help but think about those fun kids. Are there any unused scenes where the kids make mischief all over the house? Any funny turns of phrase from Gretl or Marta? Any scenes with the boys goofing around? Let's comb through our footage and construct some extra scenes where the kids are front and center. Our audience wants to see a large gaggle of children wreaking adorable chaos. Let's give them what they want!
THE SINGING CONTEST
Are there any other takes of the concert without the Third Reich? Despite what our former market research told us, recent polling shows that our audience is actually turned off by Nazi groups. (We were surprised too). Let's recut the contest, show the Von Trapp's winning and then end on a big bite from the kids about their nascent musical careers. Cut out the escape into Switzerland and the family fighting for their lives; it's just too depressing and it's completely off-brand for our network. That may work on A&E, but not here!
Please finish these notes and send the cut with notes responses by 4:30pm EST today. Thanks a bunch!
NOTE: The following contains spoilers for a 52-year-old classic musical. If you don't wish to be spoiled, please go watch the film. Or see the stage musical. Or read the original Shaw play. Or just get out of the house for a damn minute.
MY FAIR LADY - NETWORK ROUGH CUT 3 NOTES
A good hello to you and your team. Thanks for attacking our notes with such vigor. While we are definitely getting closer to where we need to be, we are nowhere near where we should be. But the cut as it stands is way too long and we seem to be losing focus. Remember, this is a makeover show. If we’re going to show Eliza in a gown at the ball at the end, let’s do a side-by-side of how she looked as a flower girl. If we can’t shame her by how she looked before, then we aren’t doing our jobs! Also, the entire section with her father should be removed. (We have plans for that for a possible sizzle reel - see below)
Eliza is great casting! She's likable and feisty in a relatable sort of way and we do want to root for her as she does through the process. If people are watching Mama June go from Not To Hot, they'll watch Eliza go from Crass To Class.
One thing to keep in mind that Eliza wants and asks for this makeover; her complaints about the consequences for this experiment casts the show in a dark light. In order to do allay this, let's do some big restructuring in the latter third. Also, we desperately need a bite pass. Where are the bites we requested? Once we emphasize the makeover aspect for the show, we then will feel comfortable giving time-coded notes. Right now, we don't.
COVENT GARDEN
Higgins has a great introduction guessing everyone's hometown based on their dialect. And the fact that he does it to song is quite impressive. But since this is lacking a juicy intro package, the audience will have no idea who he is and why he's there. Get Higgins to say something like "Hello, my name is Professor Henry Higgins. I'm the top phoneticist is all of England. I can tell you exactly where you come from just based on you saying two sentences." Get this exactly and put this over b-roll of him working with students. If he's our expert, we need to have him say it and show it. Otherwise, our viewers will be lost!
Since Eliza is the subject of our transformation, we also need to set her up as well. She also needs an intro package that clearly states why she wants to do this. Has she always wanted to work in a flower shop? Has she always dreamt of going to a fancy embassy ball? We have to always plainly state what our main characters want at all times -- that's storytelling!
Every time Eliza speaks, she really needs to be subtitled. I know our audience really don't like to read but with this show, I'll take the risk.
"Wouldn't It Be Loverly" is nice but it doesn't really move the action forward. Please make it a snap-in.
ELIZA'S OFFER
Eliza comes over to Higgins' house and makes him an offer for him to teach her proper elocution. While she says this in scene, we definitely need for her to say it in bite as well. (We already gave this note once!) Our research shows that the bulk of our demographic watch this show as a second screen. They need to be able to follow what's happening while they are on Snapchat. If we don't, they'll be confused and change the channel. And we can't have THAT.
While we've already met Colonel Pickering at Covent Garden, let's go ahead and give him a big intro package here too. Have him say something like "I'm Colonel Pickering. I'm a master of Indian languages and dialects. I recently left the military and I love to help people in need." If he doesn't say it, how do I know he believes this? By merely watching his behavior in scene? That's just not enough!
Higgins agrees to take on Eliza as a client and says some bold things to her (having her sleep in the dustbin is one of my favorites). Does he say anything even more outrageous? If we are going to drive Twitter traffic and ratings, we really need to exploit this. Think less Stacy on "What Not To Wear" and more Gordon Ramsey on "Kitchen Nightmares." (Maybe call the show "Dreadful Diction'? Let's discuss!) Add in some more highly egregious phrases. Our female audience will eat up the insults and those will definitely add some power to the Supertease.
"Let A Woman In Your Life" should be cut. If Higgins is gay, that's fine. We don't need a whole number about it.
DOOLITTLE
Eliza's father has great presence on camera. His take on morality is very interesting and relevant to our current political situation. Which is to say: this is a total snoozeville and not appropriate for our show. However, this lecture tour of America where he talks about income inequality sounds like a great idea for one of our sister networks that wins Emmys. It's like a TED talk that's actually interesting! Put together a sizzle reel with that footage and I'll see what I can do on my end. "Doolittle Says A Lot" has a great ring to it, don't you think?
"POOR PROFESSOR HIGGINS" & "THE RAIN IN SPAIN"
While overly long, this extended montage showing Eliza training is very clever in its use to music and editing to show a passage of time. Kudos to your team for this; please cut it by 2/3's and add bites from all involved.
"I Could Have Danced All Night" is lovely but Eliza's happiness with her progress would be better suited in some bites during the montage. Let's make this number a web extra.
ASCOT GAVOTTE
The legendary race track looks glorious, as do most of the people there. This really need some context. Perhaps a great info graphic on the history of the track would be some great take-home information for the audience. That'll make them feel smart!
Please make sure that all of the horses on the race track have signed a release.
When Eliza blurts out "Move your bloomin' ass!", this is lacking the impact that it desperately needs. Let's re-cut the build up to this. Add in some more audio design and a few bites to help raise the stakes. If this moment is not important to us, it won't be important to the audience! Stakes and bites, bites and stakes! That should be our mantra, people!
"On The Street Where You Live" is nice but a bit stalker-y. Make it a snap in.
EMBASSY BALL
While it's obvious that Eliza, Henry and Pickering are nervous, again, some bites here would work wonders. Have Eliza say something like "I really feel out of my element here and I know I could do a great job. I hope I don't mess up! That would be gravely embarrassing for myself, Henry and Colonel Pickering!" (Please get this verbatim)
Let's play with the audio design during this scene. Every time someone compliments Eliza, add a cymbal scrape. Every time Zoltan the villainous language teacher gets stopped from talking to Eliza, add a cymbal bow. We need to underline every moment possible. Remember, subtlety is for scripted TV, not reality!
AFTER THE BALL
This whole romance between Eliza and Freddie is afterthought. Let's just go from Eliza's success at the ball to a pick up scene where Eliza is set up in her own flower shop. The whole section where she leaves and comes back to Higgins and the romance with Freddie... that's a whole other show. Based on the ratings and how the audience responds to Eliza, we can maybe do another show tracking her romantic life. As of right now, this just muddies the water and distracts us from what we bought in the first place: A makeover show taking a working class girl (and have fun at how rough she is) and making her a classy woman (without alienating our target audience). Got it?
Please turn these notes around by 5pm today with responses. Thanks a bunch!
NOTE: The following contains many spoilers for WONDER WOMAN. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please come back after you've seen the film, completed your training and learned that dancing is not swaying.
WONDER WOMAN ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES.
Hello hello! First of all, big thanks to you for addressing our notes from the previous cut. There are a lot of great things going on but we are a long, long, LONG way off from where we need to be. When we were first received the sizzle reel, we were under the impression that our story was going to be about an entire island made up of attractive women who fought all the time. I guess we should have been more specific. As it stands right now, this cut is just not acceptable to us. Our audience prefers women who throw wine at at each other, not spears. We have a lot of potential here and we are doing absolutely nothing with it! We need to be bold and pro-active with our storytelling here and revamp this show. A bite pass is absolutely needed. Diana is exploring the world and how are we supposed to know how she feels about everything? By just watching her and listening to her in-scene dialogue? UNACCEPTABLE. Once this is done -- and a much needed music pass -- then we can send time-coded notes.
THE LOUVRE
We first see Diana at her office in the Louvre. I mean, I know it's the Louvre, but you know who probably won't know that? Our AUDIENCE! Don't assume that they are as smart as we are. Let's throw in a lower third here saying "Louvre Museum -- Paris." When the camera finds Diana opening the package, this is a great opportunity for a bite. Let's have her say something like "My name is Diana Prince. I work in the Greek Antiquity section of the Louvre Museum in Paris. It's the most important museum in all of France and I love my job preserving and researching Greek relics." (Please have her say this verbatim.) Giving the audience information at all times is storytelling at its finest!
Please blur the Wayne Enterprises logo. There's no way we can clear that.
THEMSYCRIA
What an amazing, gorgeous place! Diana's VO is a great way to explain about the island but we really could use even more information! How about a great fun GFX of where this island is in the Mediterranean? A list of its imports/exports? When the tourist season is and where to get a great bargain for B&B's? The audience is thirsty for take-away information so let's quench their thirst!
Diana's mother and her aunt seem like amazing, interesting women and yet, we hear so little about them! Let's do a big juicy intro package for each. When Her Majesty rolls in, have her say something like "I'm Queen Hippolyta and I am the ruler of the Amazons. We have lived in peace for years in isolation from the rest of the world. I try to protect my only daughter Diana from what her future my bring but I always try to keep her safe! (Have her say that in her own words, but as close to this as possible) Have her spell out everything right at the beginning will make sure our audience can follow along even if they are playing around on Snapchat!
We have an entire island full of attractive women and they all seem to get along? I find that HIGHLY unlikely. Our core demographic want to see good-looking women in expensive clothes have long dinners and talk about how they shouldn't invite acquaintances to parties. Here you have strong women in combat training, riding on horseback. You're giving us 300 when we ordered was The Real Housewives of Themsycira! (Keeping Up With The Amazons is also a good title. Let's keep that in mind.) Please scour your footage and let's rethink this section. Women fighting over an insult at a fundraiser is a big turn-ON for our audience; women fighting the patriarchy is a turn-OFF.
Also, all the women seem to be wearing the different versions of a fighting tunic and some sandals. That's not realistic. Let's do some reshoots with some more believable wardrobe. They speak about 100 languages and not one of them has a wrap dress? I think not. Also, while we appreciate the diversity of the women depicted on the training field, please cut around the heavy-set woman trainer. We feel she isn't quite "camera-ready."
On a side note, Themsycira is absolutely lovely. Are there any tiny homes there that non-threatening American tourists would be interested in buying on camera? If so, we smell a spin-off. Let's discuss!
THE ARRIVAL OF STEVE TREVOR
We finally get a man on the island. This should be HUGE news. And yet, when Diana watches his plane crash into the water, we don't have a single bite from her. Wrong wrong WRONG. Get a bite from her explaining how seeing this plane crash scares here but she has to do something to help because she's an Amazon (or something like that.) If she doesn't have a bite explaining how she's feeling about this, I have no idea how she feels which means I won't care! I need to care, guys. I NEED TO CARE.
Steve has big news about World War I that he gives to the Queen and her court. But he doesn't really EXPLAIN it a lot. Don't assume our audience knows which war this is. Let's put in a bit from Steve explaining World War I quickly and cleanly. Remember, the more we explain, the better our storytelling is!
Steve and Diana have a great flirting scene when Steve is getting out of the healing pool. Can we add more flirty sound-ups between the two? Try adding some cymbal scrapes; those are great to punctuate any romantic scene! (Per legal, please double check to make sure we don't have to blur any of Steve's body. I don't want a Dating Naked incident here.) Also, great Timex product integration. Is there a take where Steve says their brand by name? Please double check your footage and let you know. If not, we'll pick up a wild line.
DIANA ARRIVES IN LONDON
The introduction of Etta Candy is an utter delight. She's funny and heavy-set in a non-threatening, comedic television sort of way. (Maybe we can do a makeover with her in another episode? Let's ideate on this!) But her interactions with Diana don't really work. Yet another female relationship that's very positive? Where they support each other and look out for each other? No catty bites about each other's clothes? No bon mots about their choice of men? Again, I'm not buying it.
I do enjoy the section where Diana tries on various outfits, but the music in here really doesn't work. Orchestrations for a clothes montage? NO. Let's go with a Katy Perry soundalike. It's a fun and vibrant section; let's not sell ourselves short, people!
Can we get a Ben & Jerry's insert for the ice cream moment? If not, let's cut it.
THE GERMAN SIDE OF THE WAR
Colonel Ludendorf and Doctor Poison come across as good villains but their scenes are hard to follow due their accents and use of big words. Trim these down. (Maybe a good snap-in? Let's discuss!) Also, no one ever really explains why Doctor Poison has that partial mask on her face. Sure, we see the scarring later and it feels rather enigmatic. The problems is we don't DO enigmatic in reality TV. Find some audio of the doctor explaining the mask. Remember Rule #24 in our Style Guide: "If we can explain something in a bite, then we don't include it. "
WONDER WOMAN LIBERATING THE TOWN OF VELD
The action sequence here works pretty well. It's rather heroic to see Diana helped by Steve and his crew. When Diana is getting pinned down by the bullet fire in No Man's Land, it is screaming for a bite from her. Why doesn't she have a bite there? C'mon, guys, you are better than this! Add a bite from her talking about how she feels about being shot at repeatedly. If the scene can be followed by someone who is in another room washing dishes and feeding their cat, then we've done our jobs!
Please make sure that every soldier Diana defeated or killed has signed a release.
WONDER WOMAN'S BIG CONFRONTATION WITH ARES
This scene has sections where Ares is saying the same thing to Diana in slightly different ways over and over. It feels very repetitive and seems to retread the same small section of information for a long period of time. We think it's perfect; don't change a thing.
Please address these notes (with responses) by 5pm tonight. Thanks!
NOTE: The following containers spoilers for one of the popular movies of 2017 and one of the best horror films of the past 20 years. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop reading and go see the movie. If not, you will end up in the Sunken Place.
GET OUT ROUGH CUT 2 NETWORK NOTES
Hello! Thanks to your team for your quick efforts on the last cut. Some progress has been made but we are not there yet. Unfortunately, we do feel that this is far from ready. We'd like at least two more Rough Cuts before we go to Fine. (I'm not sure if that's in our contract or not but hey, are you going to stop us?) Tonally, the show is not what we requested. Remember, this is a DATING SHOW and our diverse lead is meeting his girl's family for the very first time. Right now, it's creepy when it should be romantic. It's disturbing where it should be elegant. Where are the scenes of Chris and Rose walking along a well-lit beach talking about their connection? Do they ever share about their journey as they stroll through the woods? Do they ever bond about their love while non-threatening acoustic guitar music is playing? Please comb through your footage and let's re-think this. Think more THE BACHELOR and less ROSEMARY'S BABY. Also, a bite pass is absolutely necessary. Right now, poor Chris is completely lost and we aren't hearing how he's thinking or feeling. How can we care for him if he isn't indicating every single emotion to us in interview? Remember, our audience is experiencing this show while goofing on Snapchat and live Tweeting. If we can't have them follow the show as they are using a Cocker Spaniel filter while ordering Thai Food on Postmates, then we aren't doing our jobs.
Look into doing some pick up interviews with Chris. (Does he have an outfit not covered in blood? If not, please talk to Wardrobe.) Once a full bite pass is done, then we'll send time-coded notes.
Also, is there a take where Chris doesn't brutally murder Rose? Per our research, she is an exact stand-in for our network dating show demographic; seeing her killed could alienate our core audience. Let's discuss!
ANDRE IN SUBURBIA
Is there something wrong with this cut? The show starts with a no name guy walking around the suburbs talking to a friend on the phone. No intro bite, no b-roll montage; not even a lower third! Sure, he gets kidnapped and that may help to establish the mood but I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. If I don't know, then our audience won't know and they'll change the channel. Let's make it a snap-in.
LEAVING FOR UPSTATE NEW YORK
Oh, finally! Young millennials in their attractive loft space in New York; it's like Girls but less smug! Chris and Rose seem to have a great life in New York. But it took me a while to find out that he's a photographer! Let's get into this sooner than later. Let's get a juicy intro package with Chris. Start with a bite along the lines of: "Hey, everyone! I'm Chris. I'm in my mid-to-late 20's and I'm a photographer living in New York City with my lovely girlfriend Rose." Then do a big montage of his photography, his relationship with Rose and don't forget their dog! Let's put our best foot forward and sell our romantic couple early and often.
Chris mentions his nerves about meeting Rose's parents and she laughs it off saying that she didn't have to tell them that he's black. This is a great opportunity to go to a bite! Have Chris say something along the lines of "I know Rose is trying to put my nerves to rest but I have to say, I'm nervous about meeting her family! I hope to make a great first impression!" (Please get this verbatim) We have to establish Chris' objective early and revisit this every few minutes. Remember, characters only have one objective in a show and it never changes at all. That's the essence of storytelling!
DRIVE TO UPSTATE NEW YORK
Chris' best friend Rod is a great character. (He is really popping with all of our millennial assistants here at the network! Possible spinoff?) He's funny and down-to-earth, like a younger Cedric The Entertainer. Let's kick him off with a great intro package! Have him talk about his time at the TSA, how long he's been friends with Chris and what he thinks about Chris' relationship with Rose. If we don't get this from him in bite, then we will never know what Rod thinks about anything. So, mine your interviews and bring us the best Rod gold possible!
The scene where Rose hits the deer is very problematic. Does the deer die? Right now, it's rather ambiguous. And we don't do ambiguous on this network (well, only on the scripted side). Is there any way that we can show that deer being alive? Or that Rose gets pulled over for maybe a broken tail light? If not, PETA is going to be so far up our ass. Please revisit your footage and come up with a creative solution. The last thing we need is more protests!
How does Chris feel about the deer? Or being profiled by the policeman? Does this tie in at all to his nerves about meeting Rose's parents? This is why a bite pass is absolutely necessary, guys! Sure, he says that he thinks his girl is amazing and all but if he doesn't say it in bite, how am I to know how he feels? HOW AM I TO KNOW?
MEETING THE PARENTS
This scene needs A LOT of work. That is a great shot of Rose's car as they pull up to her house. Is Chris anxious about this? Excited? I'd know if there was a bite here from him... but there isn't. And then when Chris finally meets the parents, you guys stay on the wide shot and we just hear them talk. WRONG WRONG WRONG. If I don't see them actually meeting for the first time on camera, how am I to know it actually happened? I don't know who edited this but they should possibly reconsider their line of work. We are building up to this moment the entire time and it's gone in a wide shot! Yes, it establishes a sense of foreboding and creeping terror but I can't see what's happening. Remember the cardinal rule of reality TV: "If it doesn't happen in a medium shot, it doesn't happen at all."
Rose's parents Dean and Missy are very accomplished and lovely. The scene work with Chris and Rose is nice but rather oft-putting, especially at dinner. It's as if they are saying one thing but meaning another. (Like their words are text and there's something... underneath them.) A bite pass here would really work wonders. Clarity is key! If Dean and Missy have some nefarious motives, they need to clue the audience in early on. Surprises only confuse people! Remember our core demographic for our romantic dating shows and try to keep their bites to 140 characters or less. A bite longer than a tweet can easily befuddle them.
The Wedgwood Ceramics trade-out with Missy's tea cup is great. No notes.
(Side Note: Is there a spinoff possibility with Missy and her hypnotism? If she can get Chris to stop smoking after one session, imagine what she can do on an hour-long for a top-tier cable network? E! would buy Hollywood Hypnotist faster than a Kardashian gets a headline in the Daily Mail. Write up a one-sheet and call me tomorrow!)
COCKTAIL PARTY
Wow, there are a lot of people arriving for this party. Please have Rose give a concise set up bite for the party. (Do we have a trade out with Lincoln Towncars? Looks like it). Also, let's do a chryon pass on this scene. All of those middle-aged white folks tend to blend together.
Please make sure we have a material release for all of the bingo cards in the auction scene.
CHRIS TRIES TO LEAVE
Wait, Rose has been working with her parents against Chris the whole time? That comes out of absolutely nowhere! It's surprising and I'm completely thrown. We really need to build up to this, guys. Yes, Chris finds the photos of her with Georgina and Walter and the others. Don't assume that the audience is as sophisticated as we are. Let's weave this in more overtly by putting in bites from Rose about what her intentions are so this is set up correctly. We always have to the tell the audience exactly what's going on at all times; it's Storytelling 101!
The Fruit Cereal & Milk trade-out works perfectly. No notes.
Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying it's not recommended for our viewers to try to add people's brains to black people so they can inhabit their bodies. If not, we're just asking for a lawsuit.
Is there a less violent end to this show? Chris ends up on a killing spree and that makes him an unideal romantic lead. Is there a take where he gives Rose's family a firm talking to? Where Rose apologizes and then they walk down a flower-strewn path as they talk wistfully about their future in a joint interview? Please comb through your footage. Let's end on a positive note!
S&P says that Rod's line should be "I"m with the T. S [BLEEP]-ing A."
Please do
NOTE: The following contains a lot - and I mean, a lot - of spoilers of one of the highest-grossing Best Picture nominees of 2016. If you do not want to be spoiled, go see the movie first then come back. But, I may have told you this already...
ARRIVAL Rough Cut 2 Network Notes
Hello to you and your team! Thanks for turning around our ream of notes so quickly. Here's another one. (LOL!) We do think some progress has been made but as of this moment, this show is not ready at all. We definitely need another rough cut before we can continue. There are some major changes that need to be made. Until all of these issues are addressed to our liking, are done, no time-coded notes will be given. We absolutely need a bite pass. And a comedy pass too! Some goofy or bitchy humor can go a long way.
First of all, the structure! What are you guys thinking? It's all over the place. Whoever edited this should get out of the business. (Seriously, we want a new editor on this. Maybe a new story producer as well, to give us fresh eyes? Give me a call in the next 20 minutes. I have to go to set to another show; one of our stars has locked herself in a bathroom and refuses to a reunion show. No rest for the wicked! [You didn't hear any of this from me.]) We need to think more linearly. Just because we're all sophisticated storytellers doesn't mean that our audience is! Let's keep this in mind. Maybe we add some reset bites every 9 minutes? Some flashbacks? Let's open up our bag of tricks and shake it until it's empty, people!
Secondly, we need to refocus the story. The outline I approved focused on a fun, sexy college professor who helps to give some aliens a makeover so they can really strut themselves on Earth. Instead, we have a story where this dowdy brainy doctor tries to talk to some aliens we can barely see for 116 minutes and we spend the bulk of our time playing with giant damn flash cards! This is not witty! This is not urbane! This is not the show we ordered. You guys need to dig through the material and come up with something that feels more on brand for us. Do the aliens have a hoarding problem? Let's discuss.
Finally, our lead. Per our research, our core demographic prefer women who talk about being good at their job without us actually having to see them being good at their job. Sure, Dr. Louise is a brilliant linguist who is suffering from the loss of her child. But does she have any scene work where she's kicking back with her friends at work, complaining about her boss? Are there any takes where she's a fun expensive peasant top with oversized sunglasses? Does she have a favorite label of Pinot Grigio that she likes to throw? Please comb through your footage. Let's make Louise as relatable as possible. Sometimes we need to protect our cast from themselves.
OPENING
Oh good, VO! Oh no, Louise's child dies? Wait, it's her child, right? Ugh, I'm so confused! We're starting with a death?! (Again, structure, guys!) Let's kick off with a bite like "I'm Dr. Louise Banks. I'm a college professor who specializes in linguistics and my child recently died of cancer." (Please get this in their own words but as close to my words as possible but have it be playful.)
Once the alien ships arrive, let's make sure we use a lower third that says "Alien Spacecraft" every time we see it. Just in case someone comes onto the show halfway through, I want to make sure they aren't lost.
Let's build up some intro packages for the Colonel and Ian. We get good info on them both in scene but let's really milk this for as much as possible. We should make a meal of these scenes and right now, you're just serving appetizers!
GOING INTO THE SHELL
Our first trip into the UFO should be a huge, exhilarating experience. Right now, it's slow and creepy. Wrong-wrong-wrong! It's a spaceship; therefore it's really expensive! This needs to be more flashy and aspirational. Let's play around with the editing here. Think of "Cribs" in Space. Or "Intergalactic House Hunters."
We have scene after scene of the aliens communicating and we have no idea what they're saying or what they want. This is shabby storytelling. How can we tell the best story possible if we can't tell what's happening at all times? Let's get some into bites from the aliens in here, pronto! And some subtitles wouldn't hurt either. "Honey Boo Boo" had subtitles; these aliens aren't as bizarre.
Per S&P, please make sure that there are no swear words in any of the communications from the aliens.
BACK AT THE BASE
Louise is having some memories of her daughter? All of a sudden? And she's getting overwhelmed by them? The editing here is very weird. I have no idea what's going on. Let's recut this scene and add a few bites to explain. Enigmatic may go over well in scripted but this is reality, guys! Real people explain every little thing they do! Also, we can't have a flashback for something the audience hasn't seen yet. Talk about confusing...
Who's the soldier talking to his wife on the phone? We met him before? I completely forgot. Let's add a flashback to when we first met him. Don't be afraid of chyrons, either. Let's make lower thirds are friends, not our enemies!
Whoa, is that a bomb? Why are the soldiers bringing on a bomb? Sure, there was the conversation that the soldier had where his wife was freaked out on the phone and everyone is wigged out about aliens giving the phrase "Use Weapon", but as always, clarity is key. Let's recut this scene so even if someone is washing dishes in the other room they can follow it completely. This, guys, is true storytelling!
AFTER THE EXPLOSION
Yikes, another flashback to Louise's child. Let's set up this flashback with a flashback of the previous flashback to the audience knows it's a flashback and they can be ready for possibly more flashbacks.
Also, we really need a big music pass. All of the orchestral cues get monotonous after a while. Let's throw in some hip hop cues. Maybe a Big Sean soundalike? Let's discuss.
LOUISE GOES INTO THE SHELL SOLO
Why is she going by herself? Why are we cutting in another flashback to "no zero-sum game" to her daughter after someone says it in the present? Again, the editing is just baffling. If you are having problems, I'll come to the bay tomorrow myself with one of our promo editors to help out. We love stories!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Her kid isn't even born yet?! And Louise is looking at the future? And she's been doing this this whole time? So we've been having flash forwards? No. NO NO NO NO NO. This is bad storytelling and highly sloppy. All this does is to confuse the audience and turn them off. This is just too much. The model for this show should be "What Not To Wear", not "Lost."
Louise has the flash forward to meeting Chiang at a conference and he says how important it is for her to call him in the past. This is a super complex idea here. And the only way to sell this to our audience is through a bite, people! Have Louise convey this in a way that can be understood in 140 characters or less. If the idea can't be easily retweeted, then it doesn't belong on this show!
Please do these notes and send us a notes response by 4pm today. Thanks a bunch!
NOTE: The following contains spoilers for the most popular movie musical to come out in the past few years. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop now and take a trip to your local planetarium where you could possibly see some 20-somethings float by while dancing.
LA LA LAND Fine Cut 3 Notes
Hello! First of all, big thanks to you and your team for turning around our notes so quickly. I feel like we are getting close to where we should be but we are definitely not there yet. There are a lot of great things going on here but we really need to focus on clarity, precision and high-end storytelling. Right now, we feel the cut is lacking all of these things. Also, we should really think about audience takeaway. We need to show a Los Angeles that people want to see! With the current spate of OJ-themed Los Angeles shows, we need to focus on the lighter side of LA. Is there a musical number about delicious taco trucks? A pas de deux about family-friendly museums? A rousing chorus about the upside of being on a lot of auditions? Please comb through your footage. We need to think outside the box here and come up with a show that the whole family can enjoy while they are on their phones. Also, we desperately need a bite pass. We need to set up both Sebastian and Mia strongly at the top so the audience will want them to succeed. Also, the end really needs a complete restructure. Once this all happens, then we can send time coded notes. Please read our notes below. If you have any questions, please reread our notes and think about them.
"ANOTHER DAY OF SUN"
The opening number on the freeway does a great job at setting the tone. And Kudos for the lower third saying "Winter" - that's a first step to let the audience know when we are. But we need to also establish where we are. Let's add another lower third that says "Los Angeles"; sure this is something that the audience could infer but let's not leave anything to chance here. If one person is confused then it's one viewer we could lose.
The opening is a little confusing as we introduce a lot of people and we don't know who they are. Is the first soloist an aspiring actress? Model? Actress/model? Is the second soloist a wannabe musician? I AM SO CONFUSED. How am I supposed to care about any of these people if it isn't spelled out exactly who everyone is at every moment? Let's recut this with an aggressive lower third pass. Even a GFX of "Candance - 34 - Austin, Tx - Aspiring Hand Model" would do wonders.
Please have an associate producer research how often Los Angeles has musical number-related traffic jams. This could be a great bit of audience takeaway information!
When we do see Seb and Mia, they are just random people caught up in traffic. We are missing great opportunities for intro packages. With Seb, have him say "Hi, I'm Seb. I'm 32 years old, and I'm a jazz musician and enthusiast. Jazz means everything to me and I'll explain it to anyone!" (Please get this exactly) Please get a similar intro bite from Mia after she runs lines in her car. First it looks like she's on her phone and then we put together she's actually running lines for an audition. That's crazy! Let's clarify this with a bite. "Hi, I'm Mia. I'm an aspiring actress and I work as a barista in order to pay the bills. I love classic movies and was inspired by my aunt who lived in Paris." Otherwise, it's snoozeville.
"SOMEONE IN THE CROWD"
Whoa, what's happening? We cut right into Mia's audition without a set up or anything. Slow down, guys! Let's start with an establishing shot of the office with a lower third saying "Casting", with a bite from Mia explaining why this audition is important to her. Remember, if we aren't connecting the dots for the audience at all times, then we are NOT doing our jobs. It's storytelling!
Can we get an intro package with Mia's roommates? They seem really fun and vaguely multi-cultural.
We do a swift montage and then Mia & her friends are suddenly at this big Hollywood party. Let's see more of that! The drudgery of Mia's acting career is such a downer; the glamour of fancy parties is way for interesting. Less moping, more Vivienne Westwood.
SEB
Whoa, I'm confused! We're back at the freeway? Oh, wait, we're now following Sebastian's story? Was he stuck on the freeway for days? Let's recut this to make it more linear.
Is the scene with Seb and his sister really necessary? We could cut the scene and establish Seb's backstory about his closed-down jazz club with a bite. Just cut to the restaurant where he's playing. Let's streamline wherever we can.
While it may be obvious to us that Mia really liked Seb's music, we can't assume that the audience knows this. Yet again, we need another bite (I hate typing this, guys!). Have Mia say "Wow, hearing that music from Seb just transports me. It's amazing!". (Please get the verbatim and in present tense). When he brushes past her, let's get another bite from her as well. Remember my golden rule: "When in doubt, add a bite!"
SPRING PARTY
Finally, more Hollywood Glamour! Let's really make a juicy package out of this. Add more shots of girls in bikinis, fancy cars, great alcohol (Patron is a sponsor, so per the product integration agreement, we need at least 3 close-ups) and some fun music! (Don't make it cutty).
Are there any takes where the cover band does any 80's soundalikes from our music library? Our music costs are breaking the bank right now so any chances we can save some money would be great.
The Prius product integration is great. No notes on that.
SEB LOVES JAZZ
Seb does a great job explaining jazz to Mia. He makes it so accessible to Mia and also to our target demographic. We were brainstorming here at the network and we think this could be a possible spinoff. "Seb Explains Jazz!" "Seb Explains The Blues". Is he knowledgable about trap music? Let's explore every option here.
"CITY OF STARS"
Why is Seb singing on the Hermosa Pier? There are no bites for context here. Let's make it a podbuster.
GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY
Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying that only professionals should float dance at planetariums. Otherwise, we're just begging for a lawsuit.
We have a great montage of Seb and Mia dancing around Los Angeles. Here's a great opportunity to let the audience know which areas of the Southland are more prone to spontaneous dance numbers. That way they can plan their trips accordingly. Please research and add this information in with fun, concise lower thirds.
CITY OF STARS - DUET
Again, no bites for context. Make it web content.
MIA'S ONE WOMAN SHOW
So much emphasis is placed Mia writing and performing her one woman show and we never see it! Slapdash and weak, guys. We either need to see it or we don't mention it. Mia seems unhappy with the reception but if there aren't any bites telling me this, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? Do a thorough bite pass here. Now. Also if she is really ready to give up on her career, we need to hear why. Man, guys, I'm really disappointed.
"AUDITION (THE FOOLS WHO DREAM)"
I do love her monologue about her aunt at the audition. However, we do need a bit more context as well. An anticipatory bite right before it would work wonders. Also, do we have any footage of her aunt jumping into the Seine? That would really help the audience follow the story.
EPILOGUE
I feel like my talk is falling on deaf ears here but we need to revisit the end. This weird fantasy sequence about how Mia's and Seb's life could have gone is just confusing and weird. No bites? No sound ups? Are there audio problems? Let's shoot a pick up scene with Seb and Mia where they talk about Mia's movie success and Seb opening his club. That way we get a clean happy ending and that's what the audience is craving. Also, we can plug Seb's club, as per our product integration agreement. It's a Win-Win-Win!
Please address these notes today by 5pm, complete with notes responses. Thanks a bunch!
[NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most acclaimed and funniest American films of all times. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop now and get a smart friend or family member to show you this amazing movie that has still tied the record with Titanic for receiving the most Academy Award nominations in history. Got it? Good.]
ALL ABOUT EVE ROUGH CUT 2 NETWORK NOTES
Hello and thanks to you and your team for addressing our previous round of notes so quickly! We should really reward you guys soon. How do you feel about a Papa John pizza party? I'm pretty sure I can expense that.
We have some pretty big problems with the cut as it stands. A bite pass in ABSOLUTELY necessary. The material is great and the characters absolutely sparkle. They have some of the best dialogue and sound-ups we've ever had on this network. But it's not quite coalescing as well as it should. So, we think we should think big and do a massive overhaul. Think about this: we have a collection of fantastic, urbane, well-dressed women who give great one-liners. And the theater setting is new for our network. Usually we see women throwing wine at each other on boats in relativiely-expensive ports of call. But here, it's a whole new subculture we can explore and exploit (thoughtfully!). We should ditch our current concept for the show and do: The Real Housewives of Broadway. (We are currently testing this title along with The Real Housewives of New Haven and Below Deck: Back Stage.) I have some ideas for how we can recut some of the scenes, restructure the show and re-focus the characters. Let's be bold and do some big remodeling! I've also included some proposed tag lines for each of the new "housewives" that myself and my 24-year-old intern came up with. He's never worked on a TV show before, so I put a lot of stock into his instincts. (Fresh eyes!) Once we've redesigned the show, I'll send time-coded notes.
BACKSTAGE DURING THE RUN OF "AGED IN WOOD"
Wait, we're starting with an award ceremony before we learn who these people are? Guys, we can't do this. The audience will be lost in the first minute and they'll switch over to "Designated Survivor" (which will be my nickname at this network if we don't turn this show around). Sure, the VO describing the people is informative but this is not the proper way we tell a story! We should move this award ceremony to later on in the episode so we can properly build to this! Start the action on Karen going to the theater on Broadway. And again as previously requested, we need an intro package for her.
KAREN. Tag line: "I've never been on a stage but I know drama when I see it!" Karen can be rather milquetoast and quiet. Let's really really exploit that. In order for the bigger personalities to pop, they need fodder to roll over. Let Karen be that fodder. (We can let her have her due in the reunion show.)
Once Karen meets Eve waiting outside, we can meet Eve.
EVE. Tag line: "All of the world is a stage. And I feel like I'm stuck in orbit!" And here let's put together Eve's intro package about her life in Wisconsin. Her negative comments about working at a brewery could be problematic in reruns on our sister networks. Let's rethink how we introduce Eve to our audience. We need to get the audience on her side without alienating Anheiser-Busch.
MARGOT. Tag line: "Trust me, I don't have to pull focus from you, darling. It was on me the whole time." Margot is the grand dame of Broadway. She should be dramatic, vain, smart and neurotic. This combination is perfect for our target demographic. Don't lean on her being too neurotic, however. A fully three-dimensional female can scare off advertisers. Think Lisa Vanderpump crossed with a tame snow leopard.
Eve's monologue about the death of her husband is great but I think we can punch it up more. A well-time cymbal scrape solves a lot of problems!
EVE BECOMES MARGOT'S ASSISTANT
The use of VO is becoming problematic. If the audience is hearing our casts' voices without cutting to an interview, they'll get confused and think that Margot is narrating this from beyond the grave. Let's add a series of pick up bites so we can cut to seeing our great cast in the chair. (NOTE: The budget for pickups has been reduced, so please make sure we are using the finest green screens that third-tier cable can supply.)
Birdie is a great character; her one-liners and retorts are fantastic. (And her observation that Eve is studying Margot like a play is a great touch! I don't remember that in the outline; kudos to the field producer for putting that in). After the first season, let's test out a possible backdoor pilot with her. Birdie Flies The Nest? Let's put our thinking caps on and work this out!
COCKTAIL PARTY FROM HELL
The scene starts off very well with Margot's age obsession and jealousy over Eve. However, I completely forgot about how Margot is feeling! Add a flashback here to the previous scene so the audience can follow along. Sure, Margot and Bill are discussing it quite well in-scene, but a flashback will be that extra special touch that just screams People's Choice Awards, don't you think?
When Margot tells Eve "Remind me to tell you about the time I looked into the heart of an artichoke", let's add a fun lower third giving a couple fun facts about that misunderstood vegetable. If we can give our audience some drama AND some information, then we are truly excelling at our jobs!
Margot's "Fasten your seatbelt; it's going to be a bumpy night" is a great sound-up! Our promo department is already going to put it into every commercial. In order to sell it in scene, let's punch up the sound design around it. A drumroll to the line and then a big sting afterwards will really drive it home!
When Addison brings in Miss Caswell, it's a great time to do on intro package on her. We definitely could use a dim bulb and Miss Caswell's light is pretty dim. And she's gorgeous. Miss Caswell. Tag line: "I'm happy to be here. I'm just not sure where here is!"
Boy, Margot is drinking a lot in this scene. Let's add three to four scenes of the other women in different combinations talking about Margot's drinking where it can culminate in a confrontation/intervention where they can partially resolve it and leave the remainder to be discussed at the reunion. That way, this issue can be dealt with responsibly!
EVE BECOMES MARGOT'S UNDERSTUDY
Another scene with a lot of great drama that is completely dry. In order to punctuate the scene and hold the audience's interest, we need some music here! (Maybe a Drake soundalike?) If we aren't telling everyone how to feel at all times, we aren't story telling!
MARGOT'S CAR BREAKS DOWN
In order to sell the immediacy of this scene, we need to add in stakes. It's storytelling 101; if our characters are not in peril, then the audience won't care. Remember, we need TENSION and STAKES in every scene. So, let's milk this scene for what it's worth. Add in a ticking clock showing how much time is being eaten up.
Also, remove Addison's voice over. He's not pivotal to our show. (See below) Also, do we have footage of Eve going on for Margot in the play? We have Addison telling us Eve goes on for Margo but we don't have the visual. I know we don't have the rights to it and it would just be b-roll over some music, but the visual of Eve mouthing some words would be really helpful. Right now, I am just CONFUSED.
Eve's sudden turn from naive farm girl to back-stabbing villain comes a little too subtly. Let's weave in some bites throughout the show to lay the groundwork for her turn. Otherwise, the audience will be confused and a confused audience will not tweet.
OPENING IN NEW HAVEN
Addison's confrontation with Eve in her hotel room is problematic on a few levels. First of all, the revelation of Eve's background (her real name, that she's never been married, etc.) should not be done in this setting. The best way to do this is at a big dinner where all of the women will be there and one of the women should come forward with all the juicy information. That way, we can maximize the drama and luxury. (Really, a confrontation in a shabby hotel in New Haven? Not a good move, guys). Let's reshoot the scene and make sure the women are carefully produced. Remember, it's reality!
Secondly, we love our LGBT supporting characters and Addison is one of them. The rapier wit, the excellent shoes, the hipster-love of a cigarette holder -- he's great! However, we find it best that our gay characters on our network take a back seat to the straight women. Indeed, Addison has too much agency. He's too strong, he's too smart for our purposes. He should be more fun sidekick and less sharp player. Think serving drinks on "Watch What Happens: Live", not as one of the guests.
We have a lot of work ahead of us. Please do this recut and get it back to us by end of the day tomorrow. Thanks for all your hard work!
NOTE: The following gives some spoilers to THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS. If you don't want to be spoiled, please skip this until you've seen the film. And also after you've spayed and neutered your little darlings.
THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES
Hello to you and your team. We appreciate getting this cut in such a timely manner. While we have a lot of things going for us with the show, we here at the network feel that we have such a long way to go in such a short time. Right now, the humor is just too intellectual for our target demographic. We need to make things a lot clearer for our audience. You are just assuming too much at this point. A bite pass is absolutely necessary. Also, we desperately need some lower thirds too.
To compete with the other animal shows on the air right now, we need to give the audience takeaway information. If we can watch Cesar Milan manhandle a malamute and learn a thing or two, we definitely can do that with two dogs going from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back. (More on that later). We need to think BIGGER, guys. Let's go for it! Once we get these big overall changes done, then we'll give you time-coded notes. Below are some ideas. If you have any questions, please contact my assistant; she's been out of college for 6 months and she gave half the notes!
MAX'S INTRO
You guys did a great job with introducing Max. His VO is on point and gives a great thorough execution. However, let's make sure to add people saying his name more as the scenes go along. Our research shows that our viewers treat our channel as secondary viewing. That is, we have to make sure that a 40 year old mom of 3 in Kansas City can follow along as she's doing the dishes. So, if we keep having the other people say "MAX!" in all of the scenes he's in, this happy homemaker can easily follow along. Got it?
While Max gets a great intro, the rest of his squad could use a more thorough bite pass. Yes, Chloe is an snooty cat who thinks she's above it all; the question is WHY. If it's just because she's a cat, then that borders on being feline-ist and we are not about any sort of discrimination at this network. Please dig through your bites and add a good, juicy, easy-to-follow, short, thorough, to the point but colorful bite explaining who she is.
DUKE'S INTRO
When Duke is brought back into Katie's apartment, it is very confusing. Who is Duke? Why is he there? Sure, I could just watch the scene and figure that out but at this network, that is a no-no! Let's give Duke the big fun intro bite he deserves! Something like "Hey there! I'm Duke! I'm a big mutt that was found at the pound. I got out of the yard one day and I couldn't find my way back home. I'm really sad but I'm also fun and approachable and I'm the life of the party!" (Please pattern this bite one of the guys from "The Bachelorette"; our research shows women who buy cheap pinot grigio also watch our network)
Max's and Duke's first couple days together are super intense. Their fighting over the doggie bed, Max manipulating Duke into being his slave -- reminds me of when Bethenny and the Countess squared off in the Hamptons! (With less fur, of course). We have great content here: it flows very well, full of tension and humor. The one thing missing? About 5 interview bites to give us context! Let's wring as much drama from this section as possible. If we aren't telling the audience how to feel at all times, then we storytellers are just being lazy! And who wants to be like that?
MAX AND DUKE GET LOST
The dog walker takes Max, Duke, Mel, Buddy and other puppies to Central Park to play. This is a great opportunity to get some of that takeaway information I was talking about. How many dogs are brought to this park in a year? How many dog parks are there in Manhattan? How many tons of dog poop are picked up in a year? These are great bits of info that our audience would love to use at their company lunches and dinner parties... and we are letting this opportunity pass us by! Let's set ourselves up for success!
Max and Duke are confronted by a bunch of feral cats -- I'm not feeling anything because the music is not helping here. Let's add a cymbal scrape every time a cat appears. That'll really let the audience know that something important is happening!
SNOWBALL AND THE FLUSHED PETS
Max and Duke head into the sewers and encounters The Flushed Pets, led by their leader Snowball. He says he was a magician's pet -- any footage of this? Adding a flashback here would be a great addition and really sell this. Also, a more detailed bite from Snowball would be great. How long was he a magician's assistant? Does he like living in the sewers? Would he want to live in a Tiny House there? (If so, we could jump on this trend and strike some ratings gold!)
GIDGET GOES TO GET MAX
Please lower third this entire section.
Make sure that every animal in Pop's party has signed a release.
Also, let's change out the music in Pops' party. A lyric track soundalike to Pitbull would be great. (Get it? Get it? - It's Molly, Bob's assistant. Oh, I just love Pitbull. He's so street!)
MAX AND DUKE GO TO BROOKLYN
This scene is another missed opportunity. Yes, Duke gets to go to his home and he learns his owner has died. But here we are in the hottest borough in the country and we are not taking advantage of this. Yes, the dogs go to a sausage factory, but is it a local, artisanal one? Is it attached to an organic microbrew that our audience can go to on their next visit to the Big Apple? In addition to the story, we're also selling the location. Again, take away info. Let's think bigger, people!
The end is quite satisfying and yet we could really use some bites here. Max and Duke have come to like each other and now consider each other friends, but if they don't say that clearly in a bite, how are we all to know? Let's s-p-e-l-l it out so we can s-u-c-c-e-e-d! (Molly again! Hope you liked my notes! Oh, and can we get the next cut tomorrow morning by 11am with your responses? kthaxbai!)
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