Jeez Jon

If ARRIVAL Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains a lot - and I mean, a lot - of spoilers of one of the highest-grossing Best Picture nominees of 2016.  If you do not want to be spoiled, go see the movie first then come back.  But, I may have told you this already...

ARRIVAL Rough Cut 2 Network Notes

Hello to you and your team! Thanks for turning around our ream of notes so quickly. Here's another one. (LOL!) We do think some progress has been made but as of this moment, this show is not ready at all.  We definitely need another rough cut before we can continue.  There are some major changes that need to be made. Until all of these issues are addressed to our liking, are done, no time-coded notes will be given.   We absolutely need a bite pass. And a comedy pass too! Some goofy or bitchy humor can go a long way. 

First of all, the structure! What are you guys thinking? It's all over the place.  Whoever edited this should get out of the business.  (Seriously, we want a new editor on this. Maybe a new story producer as well, to give us fresh eyes? Give me a call in the next 20 minutes. I have to go to set to another show; one of our stars has locked herself in a bathroom and refuses to a reunion show. No rest for the wicked! [You didn't hear any of this from me.]) We need to think more linearly. Just because we're all sophisticated storytellers doesn't mean that our audience is! Let's keep this in mind. Maybe we add some reset bites every 9 minutes? Some flashbacks? Let's open up our bag of tricks and shake it until it's empty, people!

Secondly, we need to refocus the story. The outline I approved focused on a fun, sexy college professor who helps to give some aliens a makeover so they can really strut themselves on Earth.  Instead, we have a story where this dowdy brainy doctor tries to talk to some aliens we can barely see for 116 minutes and we spend the bulk of our time playing with giant damn flash cards! This is not witty! This is not urbane! This is not the show we ordered.  You guys need to dig through the material and come up with something that feels more on brand for us.  Do the aliens have a hoarding problem? Let's discuss.

Finally, our lead.  Per our research, our core demographic prefer women who talk about being good at their job without us actually having to see them being good at their job.  Sure, Dr. Louise is a brilliant linguist who is suffering from the loss of her child.  But does she have any scene work where she's kicking back with her friends at work, complaining about her boss? Are there any takes where she's a fun expensive peasant top with oversized sunglasses?  Does she have a favorite label of Pinot Grigio that she likes to throw? Please comb through your footage. Let's make Louise as relatable as possible.  Sometimes we need to protect our cast from themselves.

OPENING

Oh good, VO! Oh no, Louise's child dies? Wait, it's her child, right? Ugh, I'm so confused! We're starting with a death?! (Again, structure, guys!) Let's kick off with a bite like "I'm Dr. Louise Banks. I'm a college professor who specializes in linguistics and my child recently died of cancer."  (Please get this in their own words but as close to my words as possible but have it be playful.) 

Once the alien ships arrive, let's make sure we use a lower third that says "Alien Spacecraft" every time we see it.  Just in case someone comes onto the show halfway through, I want to make sure they aren't lost.  

Let's build up some intro packages for the Colonel and Ian.  We get good info on them both in scene but let's really milk this for as much as possible. We should make a meal of these scenes and right now, you're just serving appetizers!

GOING INTO THE SHELL

Our first trip into the UFO should be a huge, exhilarating experience.  Right now, it's slow and creepy. Wrong-wrong-wrong! It's a spaceship; therefore it's really expensive! This needs to be more flashy and aspirational. Let's play around with the editing here. Think of "Cribs" in Space. Or "Intergalactic House Hunters."

We have scene after scene of the aliens communicating and we have no idea what they're saying or what they want.  This is shabby storytelling.  How can we tell the best story possible if we can't tell what's happening at all times? Let's get some into bites from the aliens in here, pronto! And some subtitles wouldn't hurt either.  "Honey Boo Boo" had subtitles; these aliens aren't as bizarre. 

Per S&P, please make sure that there are no swear words in any of the communications from the aliens. 

BACK AT THE BASE

Louise is having some memories of her daughter? All of a sudden? And she's getting overwhelmed by them? The editing here is very weird.  I have no idea what's going on. Let's recut this scene and add a few bites to explain.  Enigmatic may go over well in scripted but this is reality, guys! Real people explain every little thing they do! Also, we can't have a flashback for something the audience hasn't seen yet. Talk about confusing... 

Who's the soldier talking to his wife on the phone? We met him before? I completely forgot.  Let's add a flashback to when we first met him.  Don't be afraid of chyrons, either.  Let's make lower thirds are friends, not our enemies!

Whoa, is that a bomb? Why are the soldiers bringing on a bomb? Sure, there was the conversation that the soldier had where his wife was freaked out on the phone and everyone is wigged out about aliens giving the phrase "Use Weapon", but as always, clarity is key.  Let's recut this scene so even if someone is washing dishes in the other room they can follow it completely. This, guys, is true storytelling!

AFTER THE EXPLOSION

Yikes, another flashback to Louise's child.  Let's set up this flashback with a flashback of the previous flashback to the audience knows it's a flashback and they can be ready for possibly more flashbacks. 

Also, we really need a big music pass.  All of the orchestral cues get monotonous after a while.  Let's throw in some hip hop cues.  Maybe a Big Sean soundalike?  Let's discuss.

LOUISE GOES INTO THE SHELL SOLO

Why is she going by herself? Why are we cutting in another flashback to "no zero-sum game" to her daughter after someone says it in the present? Again, the editing is just baffling.  If you are having problems, I'll come to the bay tomorrow myself with one of our promo editors to help out.  We love stories!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Her kid isn't even born yet?! And Louise is looking at the future? And she's been doing this this whole time? So we've been having flash forwards? No.  NO NO NO NO NO. This is bad storytelling and highly sloppy.  All this does is to confuse the audience and turn them off.  This is just too much. The model for this show should be "What Not To Wear", not "Lost."

Louise has the flash forward to meeting Chiang at a conference and he says how important it is for her to call him in the past.  This is a super complex idea here. And the only way to sell this to our audience is through a bite, people! Have Louise convey this in a way that can be understood in 140 characters or less. If the idea can't be easily retweeted, then it doesn't belong on this show!

Please do these notes and send us a notes response by 4pm today.  Thanks a bunch!

If LA LA LAND Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for the most popular movie musical to come out in the past few years.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop now and take a trip to your local planetarium where you could possibly see some 20-somethings float by while dancing. 

LA LA LAND Fine Cut 3 Notes

Hello! First of all, big thanks to you and your team for turning around our notes so quickly.  I feel like we are getting close to where we should be but we are definitely not there yet.  There are a lot of great things going on here but we really need to focus on clarity, precision and high-end storytelling. Right now, we feel the cut is lacking all of these things.  Also, we should really think about audience takeaway.  We need to show a Los Angeles that people want to see!  With the current spate of OJ-themed Los Angeles shows, we need to focus on the lighter side of LA.  Is there a musical number about delicious taco trucks?  A pas de deux about family-friendly museums?  A rousing chorus about the upside of being on a lot of auditions?  Please comb through your footage.  We need to think outside the box here and come up with a show that the whole family can enjoy while they are on their phones.  Also, we desperately need a bite pass.  We need to set up both Sebastian and Mia strongly at the top so the audience will want them to succeed.  Also, the end really needs a complete restructure.  Once this all happens, then we can send time coded notes.  Please read our notes below.  If you have any questions, please reread our notes and think about them.

"ANOTHER DAY OF SUN"

The opening number on the freeway does a great job at setting the tone. And Kudos for the lower third saying "Winter" - that's a first step to let the audience know when we are. But we need to also establish where we are.  Let's add another lower third that says "Los Angeles"; sure this is something that the audience could infer but let's not leave anything to chance here.  If one person is confused then it's one viewer we could lose.  

The opening is a little confusing as we introduce a lot of people and we don't know who they are.  Is the first soloist an aspiring actress? Model? Actress/model?  Is the second soloist a wannabe musician? I AM SO CONFUSED. How am I supposed to care about any of these people if it isn't spelled out exactly who everyone is at every moment? Let's recut this with an aggressive lower third pass.  Even a GFX of "Candance - 34 - Austin, Tx - Aspiring Hand Model" would do wonders.  

Please have an associate producer research how often Los Angeles has musical number-related traffic jams.  This could be a great bit of audience takeaway information!

When we do see Seb and Mia, they are just random people caught up in traffic.  We are missing great opportunities for intro packages.  With Seb, have him say "Hi, I'm Seb. I'm 32 years old, and I'm a jazz musician and enthusiast.  Jazz means everything to me and I'll explain it to anyone!"  (Please get this exactly)  Please get a similar intro bite from Mia after she runs lines in her car.  First it looks like she's on her phone and then we put together she's actually running lines for an audition. That's crazy! Let's clarify this with a bite.  "Hi, I'm Mia.  I'm an aspiring actress and I work as a barista in order to pay the bills. I love classic movies and was inspired by my aunt who lived in Paris." Otherwise, it's snoozeville. 

"SOMEONE IN THE CROWD"

Whoa, what's happening? We cut right into Mia's audition without a set up or anything.  Slow down, guys! Let's start with an establishing shot of the office with a lower third saying "Casting", with a bite from Mia explaining why this audition is important to her.  Remember, if we aren't connecting the dots for the audience at all times, then we are NOT doing our jobs.  It's storytelling!

Can we get an intro package with Mia's roommates? They seem really fun and vaguely multi-cultural.  

We do a swift montage and then Mia & her friends are suddenly at this big Hollywood party.  Let's see more of that! The drudgery of Mia's acting career is such a downer; the glamour of fancy parties is way for interesting.  Less moping, more Vivienne Westwood.

SEB

Whoa, I'm confused! We're back at the freeway? Oh, wait, we're now following Sebastian's story? Was he stuck on the freeway for days? Let's recut this to make it more linear.  

Is the scene with Seb and his sister really necessary?  We could cut the scene and establish Seb's backstory about his closed-down jazz club with a bite.  Just cut to the restaurant where he's playing.  Let's streamline wherever we can.

While it may be obvious to us that Mia really liked Seb's music, we can't assume that the audience knows this.  Yet again, we need another bite (I hate typing this, guys!). Have Mia say "Wow, hearing that music from Seb just transports me. It's amazing!". (Please get the verbatim and in present tense).  When he brushes past her, let's get another bite from her as well.  Remember my golden rule: "When in doubt, add a bite!"

SPRING PARTY

Finally, more Hollywood Glamour! Let's really make a juicy package out of this. Add more shots of girls in bikinis, fancy cars, great alcohol (Patron is a sponsor, so per the product integration agreement, we need at least 3 close-ups) and some fun music! (Don't make it cutty).  

Are there any takes where the cover band does any 80's soundalikes from our music library? Our music costs are breaking the bank right now so any chances we can save some money would be great.  

The Prius product integration is great.  No notes on that.  

SEB LOVES JAZZ

Seb does a great job explaining jazz to Mia. He makes it so accessible to Mia and also to our target demographic.  We were brainstorming here at the network and we think this could be a possible spinoff.  "Seb Explains Jazz!" "Seb Explains The Blues". Is he knowledgable about trap music?  Let's explore every option here.  

"CITY OF STARS"

Why is Seb singing on the Hermosa Pier? There are no bites for context here.  Let's make it a podbuster. 

GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY

Per legal, please add a disclaimer saying that only professionals should float dance at planetariums. Otherwise, we're just begging for a lawsuit. 

We have a great montage of Seb and Mia dancing around Los Angeles. Here's a great opportunity to let the audience know which areas of the Southland are more prone to spontaneous dance numbers.  That way they can plan their trips accordingly.  Please research and add this information in with fun, concise lower thirds.  

CITY OF STARS - DUET

Again, no bites for context.  Make it web content. 

MIA'S ONE WOMAN SHOW

So much emphasis is placed Mia writing and performing her one woman show and we never see it! Slapdash and weak, guys.  We either need to see it or we don't mention it.  Mia seems unhappy with the reception but if there aren't any bites telling me this, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? Do a thorough bite pass here.  Now.  Also if she is really ready to give up on her career, we need to hear why.  Man, guys, I'm really disappointed.

"AUDITION (THE FOOLS  WHO DREAM)"

I do love her monologue about her aunt at the audition.  However, we do need a bit more context as well. An anticipatory bite right before it would work wonders.  Also, do we have any footage of her aunt jumping into the Seine? That would really help the audience follow the story.  

EPILOGUE

I feel like my talk is falling on deaf ears here but we need to revisit the end. This weird fantasy sequence about how Mia's and Seb's life could have gone is just confusing and weird. No bites? No sound ups? Are there audio problems? Let's shoot a pick up scene with Seb and Mia where they talk about Mia's movie success and Seb opening his club. That way we get a clean happy ending and that's what the audience is craving.  Also, we can plug Seb's club, as per our product integration agreement.  It's a Win-Win-Win!

Please address these notes today by 5pm, complete with notes responses.  Thanks a bunch!