Onward And Upward

I've been away from this blog for too long.  Indeed, sometimes, life takes over.  In the past few weeks, my brother visited LA for a week while I was working.  After he left, Tom and I took a much needed mini=vacation to Disneyland.  Since then, I've been taking it easy. I had last week off from work and this week as well, and I want to enjoy both of them as much as I can.  In this down time, I've been doing some reflecting... which isn't something I do terribly often. 

On a business level, this has not been a banner year.  I booked no acting jobs this year... none at all.  That hasn't happened to me in ages.  The idea that the entertainment industry is recession-proof was proven false in 2009.  Everyone in the industry -- indeed, everyone in LA felt the pinch.  Budgets where slashed on all kinds of shows, and commercial budgets were cut as well.  When the feds bailed out the auto industry, the number of auto ads plummeted.  Considering that they make up 40% of all television commercials, you can see why my number of auditions went down this year... and the number of infomercials went up.  Actors I know who work regularly were struggling for one-line co-star roles on basic cable dramas.  It sucked for me, but it also sucked all around.  

On the reality front, I worked on one show this year -- two seasons of it.  I lucked out in that it's a show I love for a company I like with people I really, really respect.  But that has only been for half the year.  The other half I was unemployed. So, my grand plans of cutting down my debt was thrown out the window by the sheer force of the economy.  

In talking to my family, friends, and co-workers, there is basically one tenet that ran true in 2009: survival.  Just hunkering down and getting through were the mantras this year.  Living through the worst economic situation this country has seen since the Great Depression is worthy of a medal... for all of us.  Tom and I are the same as the bulk of our family and friends.  We have more debt that we'd like; we wish we were further along in our respect career paths; we wish we had nicer stuff.  But, the key thing is, we have what we have and that's better than nothing.  With so many people being underwater with their mortgages, I consider myself fortunate for being in a rent-controlled apartment.  Even though I've had to downgrade my health insurance this year due to the cost, at least I have it.  I may not have my Series Regular role on a hip, critically-acclaimed dramedy.  But I do have many things instead:  I have a fantastic husband, a great family I wish I could see more, wonderful friends, and a career path I enjoy (both acting and working in reality TV). 

I could sit and list all the things that went wrong this year. Sometimes I lapse into the "What If?" scenarios of poor decisions I've made.  I could get angry and pissed and depressed and upset.  But why?  Why do that?  Why dwell?  It changes nothing.  Focusing on the negatives, on the what if's, is a nasty habit that ends up derailing me from what I want.  It's easy to sit and be bitter and fantasize about the Path Not Taken.  But, that in essence is just belittling oneself.  Dwelling on the Path Not Taken is just another way of beating ourselves up on the paths we took.  We all make poor decisions from time to time.  We all make mistakes, however small.  Best to acknowledge the mistakes, learn from the mistakes and keep going.  

Back in high school, I had an epiphany about the Secret of Life: Forward Movement.  The world spins forward, and so should we.  Whenever I've followed by gut instinct and moved forward, things have gone well for me.  Any time I go against my gut, I backslide.  So, in light of current events, I'm moving on.  I am truly convinced that economically speaking, things will turn around in 2010.  They may not be fully back to what we collectively like, but things will be better.  Instead of worrying about what might be, I'm going to focus on what I can do. That's why this year, I have only two "resolutions":

(1) Don't Dwell.  Don't luxuriate in how things go, either for good or for ill.  If things go poorly, acknowledge them, get the bad feelings out and then move on.  If something goes very well, enjoy the moment, and then move on.  Life is all about highs and lows, and as long as we don't get too caught up in either direction, we're fine. 

(2) Don't Eat Your Feelings.  I have a bad habit.  If things are going well for me, I tend to placate myself with bad foods:  chocolate, french fries, fried... well, anything, really.  If things go well for me, I tend to reward myself with... exactly the same foods I comfort myself with.  So not a good idea any way you slice it.  So, if things go well or poorly, I'm steering myself away from the fried chocolate section of any kitchen in a 100 foot radius of me.  I know I will feel better in the end for this decision.

The year and the decade are coming to a close.  It's fun to look back to see how far we've come and what's happened in our past.  But it's more important to look ahead.  That's where the new is, that's where the mystery is... that's where the fun is.  Instead of chewing over mistakes you've made in the past, wouldn't you instead rather look at the fun?

Comments

[kd]

Excellent attitude, my friend. I wish my self-reflection went half so well.:)

[Dec.]

Thanks for a really thoughtful, honest post. It's great to see such candor; there's too little of it at at a like this and I'm sure many of us suffer for our lack of it. Refreshing.