Thrown For A Loop And Then Coming Full Circle

Things are busy in Jeez Jon land. Sorry for the delay in posts.

Last Tuesday I got a call from my TV/Film agent, saying I had an audition for Long Running Quirky Drama. This was my 7th time reading for them. I got the scene and worked on both of my lines for the role. The audition was originally Thursday and then was pushed until Friday. So, I spent time working on the scene between actual work at Urban Basic Cable Competition Show. I knew the scene inside and out (it was 2 lines, I know, but still), and felt very comfortable with what I was doing. I went to the audition on one of the lovely lots around town. I arrived early, went over the scene in the parking garage and then went to the casting office. I sat and waited as the waiting room filled up with people reading for various roles for the same episode. The guy who went in for the same role before me was about 6'4", 260 lbs, receding salt-and-pepper 'fro, bug eyes and a shlubby shirt. And he was very loud. Very, very loud. Now, I was down the hall from the audition room, and I heard every word he said. The role isn't a loud role, and the show doesn't have a wacky nyuk-nyuk kind of sensibility. The producers laughed a lot at his take. When I first moved here to L.A., I was told time and again I was too big for on-camera stuff, meaning that I was used to working on a stage and I had to make things more organic and real for camera stuff. So, as you can imagine, I felt really confident about my take on this very short scene.

I go into the audition room. The casting directors are there, and they welcome me warmly. I recognize one of the co-executive producers as one of the former writers on "Buffy", and my heart sang just a bit. She and the showrunner both remarked on how I looked exactly like my headshot. And then I do the scene. I'm very comfortable with it, and then it's over. Some tittering laughs but that's it. The casting director looks a little... disappointed? Amused? Put out? Constipated? It was hard to tell, but I could feel one thing: I wasn't going to get it. My entire walk back to my car I knew deep down that this wasn't going to be my day. I mean, statistically speaking, actors don't get most of the auditions they go on. But, I was pissed. Since I had so long between the initial call for the audition and the audition itself, I got my hopes up. Big mistake. Big, big mistake.

I was just so... mad. Here I was, doing everything right. Going after my right take on the scene, being real, not being so big, being pleasant, on time... and I still didn't get it. I know that so many factors go into landing a role -- the fact that all the us who read for this role didn't look a thing alike -- but I just got set off. It became the example of how frustrated I've become, how I feel I'm beating my head against a wall, how it seems that nothing I'm doing is really paying off. And the mere fact that it bothered me this much also really bothered me, and then I started blaming myself and seriously beating myself up about it. Friday night I picked over my Thai food and then went to bed early, just not wanting to talk to anyone.

Saturday we hosted our bi-weekly D&D session, and I really just did not want to be there. But I had nowhere else to really go. I played the good and gracious host, but having to plaster on a smile for several hours really took its toll. My stomach was a bit upset after dinner (go figure), so I went and laid down. And I was thinking "Is this really what I want to do? I don't want to be in the same exact place I am right now 10 years from now." In some respects, I have come a long way in 7 years, but in others, I haven't. I just hate the feeling that I've been spinning my wheels for so long and I haven't gone anywhere.

Tom and I did have a long talk Sunday morning, which did make me feel a lot better. There is a very small bit of doubt that is still lingering in my head. But, frankly, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do that would make me happy. I enjoy doing the story editing I've been doing on Urban Basic Cable Competition Show, but I don't think I can do it forever. This did motivate me to kick up the career stuff up a notch or two. I'm taking a class at the end of August, and several workshops between now and then. And, to cap things off, I had two auditions yesterday and they both went well. So, cross your fingers. I'm feeling better about things but I don't think I'll be back to full "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" mode until I book something lucrative (ie. commercial, TV show). Things are looking up... I think.

Comments

[Bro]

Hey, dont sweat it. The artistic road is a long one and it is quite rough. You are a great actor in an industry that doesn't always appreciate great acting. Quality, which is essential for great art, is not necessary in today's world. Hang in there.

[katie d]

Jon, you are doing everything right. You will get this. It's only been 7 years, and I KNOW it's hard when some of the idiots who get jobs in this town get the work and you don't. Believe me, I understand it. But you have talent and drive to match your ambition, and you will totally make it if you just keep putting in the work. In the grand scheme of things here, 7 years is nothing, and you know it. I know you get impatient, and I know you want it to happen and it feels like it never will, but it totally will, Jon. Because you're out there. And you make the effort to stay out there and get noticed. And even though most of the time talent doesn't mean half so much as what you look like or being in the right place at the right time, most of being in the right place at the right time is putting yourself out there. So it *will* happen. And when it does, you have the actual talent that will keep you in the room for as long as you want to stay there. So keep at it and try not to take it personally or feel down. You've got the stuff, and it's going to happen. I promise.

xo,
kd

[katie d]

I was wondering how I missed this the first time, but then I see it was while I was in Paris. :( I'm sorry I didn't give virtual hugs then, but I'm glad you found your way. xo