I'm exhausted. Tired. Pooped. Spent. But, here I am, because frankly, I feel inspired. For the reason why, let's travel back in time a bit. Say, a couple weeks ago...
Tom and I went with our buddy Seb drove six hours to a gaming convention to publicize Fellowship of the Dice. Suffice it to say, things did not go very well. Even though they had put together some screenings for the film, they didn't have the room ready for us. Like, say, for instance, a screen on which to show the film. So the brain trust who was running this inglorious convention brought in two screens to see which one would work. Eventually, they got the damn screen up as a semi-eager crowd of people waited in the conference room, watching them do this. Then the audio didn't work. That got fixed and then they couldn't get the overhead lights to turn off. At this point, it was 9:20 pm, 20 minutes after the advertised 9pm start time. As the crowd got antsy, they asked for us to play the film anyways, so we did. The screening went as well as can be expected, but for obvious reasons, the film looked washed out. Afterwards, we shlepped over to our hotel, slept that night, and went back to the convention to do a Q&A about the film. That was the convention runner's idea. So, we did that. 2 people showed up - our friend Kevin who owns the film and his girlfriend. I was just livid, angry, put out. And most importantly, flippin' hungry 'cause we didn't have lunch yet.
We bailed at that point. We weren't planning on staying the whole time anyways, but this was just the last straw. Tom, Seb and I got some nice healthy organic food, got into the car, and took the 6 hour drive back from Arizona to LA. As I was working away at a Sudoku book, it hit me:
Pearls before swine.
That's what we just did. We took our movie -- our lovely, non-perfect but very entertaining and goofy film -- and presented it to people who didn't respect us and didn't deserve it. Of course, hindsight being 20/20, we should have completely cut our losses and not gone at all, but I came to this realization (or re-realization). I'm not going to put up with people's crap anymore, and I won't waste my time on people who clearly don't deserve it.
This hit me with such clarity, such force. Maybe it was the combination of Diet Coke, Seb's J-Rock music and Sudoku boxes, I don't know. All I know is that I'm not going to waste energy trying to impress people who just don't deserve it. I'm so much better than that, and what I have to offer is, too. This realization, this raison d'etre was further underlined when we were at PolyCon two weekends ago. PolyCon was the complete opposite experience -- sure it was a bit of a hometown advantage, but those people loved the movie and liked the fact we were there. They appreciated the film for what it was, and for that, I'm grateful.
For me, the experience in Arizona was like our insecurities about Fellowship of the Dice (and to take the creative extension, insecurities about ourselves) were made manifest. That we were treated like we were an inconvenience, that the film is substandard, that no one really cares. These feelings, of course, are COMPLETE BULLSHIT.
When I first took Viewpoints with my teacher Alex, she had a great way of phrasing this. All of us have that little voice inside us that says we're not worth it, that second guesses us. She calls it a parrot -- the parrot sits on our shoulder and says stuff like "Why are you wearing that? What are you doing? You think that's good?" I've spent the bulk of my professional life wrestling with that parrot, smacking it around, boxing with it, punching it in its beak, etc. When I had the swine/pearls realization, my goal became clear: I'm going to muzzle that goddamn parrot for good.
Last week, I got a call for an audition for four small co-star roles on a new Lifetime show. I prepped for the audition -- I did my source work, I did punctuation walks, I worked on moment before's, the whole nine yards. But the main thing I did was I went in there with the intent of punching that parrot and knocking it to the floor. If my movie is worth while, then by gum, so'm I. I went in and read for the roles, and I ended up stumbling over one of the four lines. The casting director asked me to do it again. Collecting my thoughts, I let my eyes drift from focus, thought of my ugly-ass parrot on my shoulder, and then thought of the scene... really, what happened right before the scene starts. And I opened my mouth and the words just came out.
I got a callback two days later.
Needless to say, Operation Parrot Mute continued. The callback went very well, punctuated by the fact that the 8 people in the room loved my headshot, handing it around the room so everyone could take a gander and compliment it. And the next day? I got one of the roles, and out of all of them, I got the best one, the one with the big punchline joke of a scene. That victory margarita with dinner that night tasted sooooo good.
The shoot went off well today. I was in and out in 7 hours, which for those of you not in the business is really fast, even for a TV show. Sure, I did some battling with my parrot, as it never goes away, but I seem to be winning. Putting my parrot -- my insecurities, my lazy qualities, my fears -- into my mental cross-hairs is seeming to pay off. It'll take a continued effort and I can't guarantee that my War On Parrots won't be a long one... but I can tell you, it'll be AWESOME.
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